The pockmarks and birthmarks on my face were congenital. I had been seeing doctors and taking medicines all along, but they had never gotten better.
My father was an inferior officer in Eglin City. Before the accident, he had a lot of free time, just spending all day drinking coffee and reading books. He suggested finding a live-in son-in-law for me. If so, there would be someone who could take care of him in his old age.
However, I was reluctant in my heart, for it would be so embarrassing.
Before I could refuse, the news of looking for a husband for me had spread throughout the city. Many people came to ask for my hand in marriage, but only a few were willing to stay after seeing my face.
I hid behind the screen and saw the scene, hoping someone would come. All of a sudden, a man in simple and clean clothes came in.
He was being supported by someone and seemed to have difficulty moving. I guessed he had an eye disease, but it was still not difficult to notice his tall nose and plump lips from under the white cloth covering his eyes.
He nodded slightly and bowed in the direction of my parents, saying in a cold voice.
"My name is Hector Perry, a commoner from Eglin City. I'm sorry to bother you two today. The purpose of my visit is to ask for Ms. Gerta's hand in marriage."
I was on the other side of the screen, biting my handkerchief nervously. At this time, I hoped that he would speak but was also afraid that he would dislike my appearance.
"I have heard that Ms. Gerta is famous as a virtuous woman in the city, but I am not well-educated and have suffered from eye disease since childhood. I'm afraid that I am not worthy of her, so I have struggled at home for a long time and can't express my feelings to you two in time. However, I do not want to miss the honor of marrying your daughter, so I muster the courage to come here and give it a try. I hope that Ms. Gerta and you will not be offended."
"Did I hear correctly? He thinks I'm virtuous and that marrying me is an honor?" I was so excited that I almost jumped up, grabbing the hand of the maid beside me and grinning from ear to ear.
My father seemed to be about to say something, but before he could do so, I rushed out from the screen behind him.
"Father, Mother." I knelt in front of them. "I'm willing to marry Mr. Perry."
I first met him when I was 18 years old. He was dressed in a coarse grey coat and had elegant manners, totally different from ordinary people. When I stood in front of him, he would not lower his head and deliberately not look at my face. Instead, he would nod with a smile on his face. He was much taller than me and had a straight body.
The husband I dreamed of when I was young was just this kind of person. He was humble and polite, elegant and easy-going, yet able to protect me. After begging my parents for several days, they finally agreed and began to arrange the marriage between me and Hector.
I had never been so happy. On my wedding day, I spent a lot of money to ask the makeup woman to cover up the unsightly marks on my face. Her makeup tricks were so wonderful that if others didn't look at me closely, they could hardly see my birthmark.
I didn't receive anything about betrothal gifts, but instead, I even gave Hector a dowry which was worth a lot. Even so, I laughed happier than anyone else. Because from now on, I was no longer the ugly person that everyone on the street looked down upon, I was someone who had a husband who loved me.
On the first night of our marriage, we consummated our marriage even though he had an eye disease. It turned out that he was not completely blind, but one eye was almost blind. Because it looked ugly, he always wore a cloth headband to prevent me from seeing it.
Smelling the woody scent on his body, I didn't dare ask anyone to ditch the makeup on my face, sleeping next to him as if we were an ordinary couple. As I looked at the burning candlelight, my eyes were wet.
Even if I had some misfortunes in the past, we would have been able to live to old age with his love and care. However, after the wedding night, we lived in separate courtyards. He just said that he was preparing for the exam and it was not appropriate for him to spend time having sex with me.
After about two years of preparation, he went to another place to listen to the professor's lectures despite being physically challenged. I had never seen anyone more hardworking than him. He stayed in his room all day to read and write, and got up early in the morning to read.
The Eglin City posted the list, and Hector's name was on it. The top three in the city could continue preparing to take part in the next round of examinations the following spring. People all over the city were talking about the young scholar who was only 20 years old, but they also disdained his status as a live-in son-in-law.
My parents only wanted to have a grandchild and enjoy the fun of having him around. They didn't care much about the exams, thinking that Hector's duty was to have children with me. Also, they couldn't understand why he was unwilling to have sex with me.
My parents complained a lot, but I just endured it, believing that as long as he passed the provincial exam, we would be fine. I estimated the time of his exam every day. Fearing that studying would be difficult in winter, I embroidered knee pads and gloves for Hector overnight.
To let him take the examination in the capital, I took out a lot of money from my private savings and asked him to take it with him. He accepted it all and promised to return with a good score.
As I was still reluctant to let him leave, he said that if he really achieved fame and status, he might look down on me for my lack of education. Thus, he asked me to take the opportunity to read more books. Only those who were well-read and elegant were worthy of being his wife.
He clearly said it with a chuckle, and I just thought it was a joke. I snorted angrily and ran back, picking up my skirt.
I remembered his words clearly and read the books at home, thinking of how he would be in high spirits after taking the exam. Meanwhile, I was worried that the examiner would despise my husband because he was half-blind. I wondered what if his place was taken by someone else.
I was so depressed that I lost my appetite and tried to find someone to help me. Yet, as the daughter of the inferior officier, I naturally didn't know any connections among the civil officials in the capital. My parents didn't want to pay for him and told me to stop caring.
I refused to accept my fate, but I didn't have enough money. I had no choice but to disguise myself as a man in the market to draw and copy books for others. Fortunately, I was forced to practice drawing and writing when I was a child, so my business was good.
February passed in a flash. Due to holding a pen for a long time in the winter, I got chilblains on my hands, and my arms were also suffering from chronic diseases. Yet, I continued to paint day and night under the oil lamp, for I really wanted to earn money.
Unluckily, I fell ill before I could earn enough money.
Sitting on the bench, I finally finished the last painting in my hand. It was a portrait of his sweetheart that a man asked for. Although it was for others, I felt warm in my heart. I didn't have to beg my sweetheart to love me like him, because I already had a husband I loved deeply.
Upon standing up, I felt dizzy, lost my balance, and fell down. I stared at the portrait that I accidentally pulled down, and the candlestick fell down with it. I struggled to stand up but couldn't move. There was a lot of blood in my lower body, and I felt excruciating pain while moving.
The candle fell to the ground, burning the drawing paper as well as my hair and clothes. I shouted loudly, and finally woke up the maid who was sleeping in the next room. She put on a coat and ran out in a hurry to call for help and ask people to put out the fire.
In order not to die in the sea of fire, I endured the pain in my lower body, tore off the clothes that had been burned, leaving only my underwear, and crawled away from the fire scene.
Ignoring the stream of blood still flowing from my lower body, I kicked my bare thighs on the ground, only thinking of crawling out the door. Unexpectedly, the neighbors who were putting out the fire and the people who guarded the door rushed into the room at just the right moment.
Seeing the scene, they were stunned for a moment, then realized that I was still on fire and threw water on me. Darkness came over my eyes, and I passed out from the pain and shame.
