Isabella

That night, I snuck out after curfew and ran towards the oak tree behind old man Winter's shed. He'd died a couple years ago, and no one dared to come up here anymore.

The dark didn't scare me, not when the moon was casting a light glow, illuminating enough of my surroundings. Besides, I was too preoccupied to let anything stop me.

I couldn't shake the sadness.

I was more than devastated, and no matter how many reassuring words I had received from Father Lucas, I was still upset.

No one understood. They all saw it as a blessing, even Michael, going as far as telling me how proud he was of me.

We don't talk of Daniel much, but today he told me he was glad one of his offspring didn't turn out to be a disappointment.

I wanted to correct him and tell him that Daniel was in no way a disappointment and that he was living his life in New York City, but I knew if they suspected I was in contact with him, I would be in big trouble.

Definitely grounds for punishment.

And so, I had resorted to plastering on an insincere smile, nodding obediently like the good girl they all thought I was, only to turn around and rebel in ways that were unheard of.

The guilt of lying to them didn't stop me from making my way through the forest towards the clearing.

Daniels clearing.

Instead, the thought just made my heart shatter all over again. For years, all I longed for was to be with my brother again.

The person I loved most. More than myself.

I hadn't seen much of him lately. It'd been exactly two months since we'd last spoken and four months since I'd last seen him.

He had long ago introduced me to the popular technological advancements of the outside world, even going as far as gifting me a cellular smart device.

However, it was purely to be used at the clearing and as a way to stay in contact with him. Since he was in New York City, which seemed to be a good distance away from us here, he couldn't keep making the trip up here.

At first, I was horrified by the device itself. No one in The Colony but Father Lucas was to have one, but once I started exploring the features, I couldn't stop.

Luckily, the clearing was a national campground. One that provided free access to the internet, so my cellular device only worked up here.

Ella was the only other person who knew of my secrets. We had spent numerous nights out here, scrolling through a world that was activated through the touch of one's finger.

We had even stumbled across the greatest world of them all.

It called itself Google.

From pictures to moving pictures referred to as videos, we'd spent hours surfing through Google, and there was still so much more to explore.

There were such things as articles, films, and illustrations, all depicting the world beyond The Colony.

There were stories. Fascinating and intriguing. Tales of criminal villains taking over towns and cities, while masked heroes fought and saved the humans from them.

Tales of girls in school- but not just any school, a high school. A place where the students were given a position in a social hierarchy. Where the ones on the top would wear pink on certain days of the week, writing about their classmates in horrible ways.

Daniel had told me those weren't real. But how did he know? Had he explored the entire world and come up with that conclusion? I didn't think so.

Walking past the old wooden sign, I walk into the clearing and move towards the wooden bench. Our bench, where we'd carved our names and secret messages.

The sun had just about set, casting a purple hue over the sky, I had stored my cellular device in my boot after climbing out of my bedroom window, and it hadn't been dark enough to use the flashlight ingrained into the tiny little rectangle.

Pulling it out, I turn it on, only to stop at the sound of rustling leaves. Slowly turning my head, I breathe again upon seeing a breathless Ella emerging from the trees.

As I'd said, Ella knew of my secrets. The clearing was now her secret just as much as it was mine.

"Missed you at Worship, even saved you a seat." She greets, taking the seat next to me on the bench.

I don't even offer her a smile. I'd been faking too many of those lately. "I wasn't feeling all too good."

She sends me a small, sad knowing smile; she knew how much I wanted to go to New York City. "Would you like to talk about it?"

I shake my head. I'd been thinking about it too much, and I'd finally been able to suppress the feelings. Talking would only bring them back.

She nods, deciding to move on. "So, what'd Father Lucas want? Don't tell me he actually scolded his number one girl." She teases.

I breathe out a laugh through my nose before reaching my hand into my pocket and pulling out the gold foil. "He gave me this." I open my palm and hold it up between us, allowing her to examine the object.

"What do you suppose it is?" Her confused voice asks as she narrows her eyes at it.

"He called it a con-dom," I repeat Father Lucas's words.

Ella pushes up her glasses and continues to examine the square close up. "Looks oddly similar to the spice packets that come in those Noodle packs they sell at the supermarket, wouldn't you say?"

I nod, seriously. "Or those packets of hand wipes, the ones you get after your meal down at the diner," I add.

She nods, but her eyes flicker up to mine. "How are you supposed to use it if you don't even know what it looks like?"

Exactly.

And so with another confused sigh, I explain to her how Father Lucas told me not to open it and that my assigned would know what to do.

"You don't suppose Google would know?" She suddenly asks, her eyes widening in curiosity. "After all, they are a genius."

"Brilliant idea!" I conclude, scolding myself for not thinking of it sooner.

We both huddle around my devices as I use the small finger keyboard to type in Con-dom.

"That one," Ella says, moving forward and tapping on a video labeled how to put on a condom for beginners.

"That's odd," I mumble, staring at the screen. "Where does the banana come into play?" I speak aloud as I tilt the screen so that the video is displayed sideways.

We both watch with curious eyes, and the video only leaves us puzzled with more questions. And so we spend the remainder of the hour delving into the world of condoms.

. . .

"That's a phallus!?" I shriek.

"That doesn't look appealing at all!" Ella screams, her face scrunching up in disgust, while I can't help but agree.

We had ventured far into the realm of condoms and what we now knew to be sexual intercourse, according to Google.

Not only were there lots of demonstrations on how to apply a condom, but there were visual aids of how it was used.

Google called it pornography.

The amount of information was overwhelming, yet we couldn't stop our curiosity as we scrolled through the various disturbing videos and pictures.

"She's screaming. This type of thing mustn't be good for the female." Ella adds watching in horror as the girl lets out scream after scream as the man does unimaginable things to her.

I nervously chew on my nails as I side-eye her. "Have you and Joshua done anything like that?" I ask hesitantly, referring to Ella's assigned soulmate Josua.

All Dillian and I had done was share kisses in private, as it was frowned upon to publicly display things like that. We didn't do it often, though, seeing as it was unnecessary and got us nowhere.

She nods as my eyes widen in shock. "Well? How was it?" I push.

She purses her lips and thinks for a moment. "Well, we didn't do that," she says, motioning to the screen of my phone. "We'd heard from some of his friends down at The Compound that there were other enjoyable things you could do. But it never felt as good for me as it did for him."

ISABELLA POV

That night, I snuck out after curfew and ran towards the oak tree behind old man Winter's shed. He'd died a couple of years ago, and no one dared to come up here anymore.

The dark didn't scare me, not when the moon was casting a light glow, illuminating enough of my surroundings. Besides, I was too preoccupied to let anything stop me.

I couldn't shake the sadness.

I was more than devastated, and no matter how many reassuring words I had received from Father Lucas, I was still upset.

No one understood. They all saw it as a blessing, even Michael, going as far as telling me how proud he was of me.

We don't talk of Daniel much, but today he told me he was glad one of his offspring didn't turn out to be a disappointment.

I wanted to correct him and tell him that Daniel was in no way a disappointment and that he was living his life in New York City, but I knew if they suspected I was in contact with him, I would be in big trouble.

Definitely grounds for punishment.

And so, I had resorted to plastering on an insincere smile, nodding obediently like the good girl they all thought I was, only to turn around and rebel in ways that were unheard of.

The guilt of lying to them didn't stop me from making my way through the forest towards the clearing.

Daniel's clearing.

Instead, the thought just made my heart shatter all over again. For years, all I longed for was to be with my brother again.

The person I loved most. More than me.

I hadn't seen much of him lately. It'd been exactly two months since we'd last spoken and four months since I'd last seen him.

He had long ago introduced me to the popular technological advancements of the outside world, even going as far as gifting me a cellular smart device.

However, it was purely to be used at the clearing and as a way to stay in contact with him. Since he was in New York City, which seemed to be a good distance away from us here, he couldn't keep making the trip up here.

At first, I was horrified by the device itself. No one in The Colony but Father Lucas was to have one, but once I started exploring the features, I couldn't stop.

Luckily, the clearing was a national campground. One that provided free access to the internet, so my cellular device only worked up here.

Ella was the only other person who knew of my secrets. We had spent numerous nights out here, scrolling through a world that was activated through the touch of one's finger.

We had even stumbled across the greatest world of them all.

It called itself Google.

From pictures to moving pictures referred to as videos, we'd spent hours surfing through Google, and there was still so much more to explore.

There were such things as articles, films, and illustrations, all depicting the world beyond The Colony.

There were stories. Fascinating and intriguing. Tales of criminal villains taking over towns and cities, while masked heroes fought and saved the humans from them.

Tales of girls in school-but not just any school, a high school. A place where the students were given a position in a social hierarchy. Where the ones on the top would wear pink on certain days of the week, writing about their classmates in horrible ways.

Daniel had told me those weren't real. But how did he know? Had he explored the entire world and come up with that conclusion? I didn't think so.

Walking past the old wooden sign, I walk into the clearing and move towards the wooden bench. Our bench, where we'd carved our names and secret messages.

The sun had just about set, casting a purple hue over the sky, I had stored my cellular device in my boot after climbing out of my bedroom window, and it hadn't been dark enough to use the flashlight ingrained into the tiny little rectangle.

Pulling it out, I turn it on, only to stop at the sound of rustling leaves. Slowly turning my head, I breathe again upon seeing a breathless Ella emerging from the trees.

As I'd said, Ella knew of my secrets. The clearing was now her secret just as much as it was mine.

"Missed you at worship, even saved you a seat." She greets me, taking the seat next to me on the bench.

I don't even offer her a smile. I'd been faking too many of those lately. "I wasn't feeling all too good."

She sends me a small, sad, knowing smile; she knew how much I wanted to go to New York City. "Would you like to talk about it?"

I shake my head. I'd been thinking about it too much, and I'd finally been able to suppress the feelings. Talking would only bring them back.

She nods, deciding to move on. "So, what'd Father Lucas want? Don't tell me he actually scolded his number one girl." She teases.

I breathe out a laugh through my nose before reaching my hand into my pocket and pulling out the gold foil. "He gave me this." I open my palm and hold it up between us, allowing her to examine the object.

"What do you suppose it is?" Her confused voice asks as she narrows her eyes at it.

"He called it a con-dom," I repeat Father Lucas's words.

Ella pushes up her glasses and continues to examine the square up close. "Looks oddly similar to the spice packets that come in those noodle packs they sell at the supermarket, wouldn't you say?"

I nod, seriously. "Or those packets of hand wipes, the ones you get after your meal down at the diner," I add.

She nods, but her eyes flicker up to mine. "How are you supposed to use it if you don't even know what it looks like?"

Exactly.

And so with another confused sigh, I explain to her how Father Lucas told me not to open it and that my assigned would know what to do.

"You don't suppose Google would know?" She suddenly asks, her eyes widening in curiosity. "After all, they are a genius."

"Brilliant idea!" I conclude, scolding myself for not thinking of it sooner.

We both huddle around my devices as I use the small-finger keyboard to type in Condom.

"That one," Ella says, moving forward and tapping on a video labeled how to put on a condom for beginners.

"That's odd," I mumble, staring at the screen. "Where does the banana come into play?" I speak aloud as I tilt the screen so that the video is displayed sideways.

We both watch with curious eyes, and the video only leaves us puzzled with more questions. And so we spend the remainder of the hour delving into the world of condoms.

. . .

"That's a phallus!?" I shriek.

"That doesn't look appealing at all!" Ella screams, her face scrunching up in disgust, while I can't help but agree.

We had ventured far into the realm of condoms and what we now knew to be sexual intercourse, according to Google.

Not only were there lots of demonstrations on how to apply a condom, but there were visual aids of how it was used.

Google called it pornography.

The amount of information was overwhelming, yet we couldn't stop our curiosity as we scrolled through the various disturbing videos and pictures.

"She's screaming. This type of thing mustn't be good for the female." Ella adds watching in horror as the girl lets out scream after scream as the man does unimaginable things to her.

I nervously chew on my nails as I side-eye her. "Have you and Joshua done anything like that?" I ask hesitantly, referring to Ella's assigned soulmate Josua.

All Dillian and I had done was share kisses in private, as it was frowned upon to publicly display things like that. We didn't do it often, though, seeing as it was unnecessary and got us nowhere.

She nods as my eyes widen in shock. "Well? How was it?" I push.

She purses her lips and thinks for a moment. "Well, we didn't do that," she says, motioning to the screen of my phone. "We'd heard from some of his friends down at The Compound that there were other enjoyable things you could do. But it never felt as good for me as it did for him."

Trigger warning

Isabella

"You ought to skip dinner tonight; your hips are already on the larger side; you don't need your thighs joining them as well."

I sigh, sinking further into the tub with a nod. "Of course, Marie." She was right, but it didn't mean I was happy about it. Skipping meals always made me grumpy.

A sound of approval sounds from behind as she continues to run her fingers through my hair to help prepare me for the graduation ceremony tonight.

It had been a week since the night in the clearing, and I knew I was running out of time. I couldn't stop thinking about what this all meant. And while I was hesitant, I was mostly confused.

I had tried calling Daniel to help me make sense of all this random information, but he hasn't been taking my calls.

His absence has also been gnawing at the back of my mind, and I can't help but worry about him. It was unlike him to be absent for so long, especially when he hadn't taken any of my calls.

Something wasn't right, and I could feel it.

But I couldn't bring myself to betray Father Lucas. He knew what was best for me, and if he had declined the idea of New York University, then maybe it was for the best.

"I remember when Michael and I attended our graduation ceremony." Marie chuckles from behind me, and I smile as I hug my legs to myself and stare down into the bubbles in the bath. "The night of the ceremony was so magical." She breathes, and I can hear the smile in her voice. "It gave me..." She trails off as a tense silence settles over us.

We both knew what came out of that night.

Daniel.

We never spoke of Daniel much. It often made me more upset than I let on. I didn't understand how they could so easily disregard Daniel, their own son, as they did.

But the tinge of sadness in Marie's voice leads me to believe otherwise, and with hesitancy, I speak. "Do you... Miss him?" I dare to ask as I distract myself by treading my fingers through the water around me.

I'm met with more silence before she breaks it. "It doesn't matter." Her tone, sharper than before, snaps, and my shoulders tense. "We are not to speak of such traitors anymore. You should know better."

Maybe it's the anger that's been bubbling for years or the fact that I've been worried out of my mind while she sits back and doesn't care for him, but I push. "But he is your son."

Her hands tighten in my hair, and she tugs my head back harshly, my head tilting so I can stare into her angry eyes. "He stopped being my son the moment he questioned our lord, Father Lucas, and publicly humiliated this family."

I flinch at the hostility and hatred dripping from her tone, and she merely lets go of her grip in my hair and moves on to scrubbing my shoulders with the stiff-bristle brush. "We are lucky that Father Lucas still shows us hospitality and respect. You should be very grateful." She scolds in that reprimanding tone.

"I am, Marie."

She smacks her lip in that way that tells me she doesn't believe me and offers an unimpressed hum. "If you were, you wouldn't be speaking of such horrible things. You ought to rid your mind of these sinful thoughts right away, Isabella."

I withhold the urge to sigh out of frustration. Arguing with her was useless. She never understood, and sometimes I only felt as though she liked me only when I did what she wanted me to do.

I knew I needed to change the subject before things escalated, and so, I settled for something less tense as I blurted the next thing that came to mind.

"Does sex hurt?"

I knew what was expected of me tonight. I was to give myself to Dillan, but I still didn't know how I felt about it.

I hear Marie talk from behind me. "Stop speaking in such a crude manner, young lady. What has gotten into you?" She scolded, slapping the side of my upper arm above the water.

I roll my eyes, glad that she can't see me, for I knew she'd have something to say about that, too. In a monotone voice, I rephrase my sentence. "Does the act of coitus hurt?"

Marie sighs as she continues to scrub harshly at my skin. I would much rather get ready myself, but Marie is a perfectionist, and I'm always the subject of her madness.

"Your hesitation is not uncommon. Most girls are hesitant, but the future of The Colony is more important. All you need to do is push those thoughts that stop you away."

I instantly regretted asking because she was less than helpful. It was easier said than done, but I didn't push it. I briefly debated telling Marie about how I wouldn't, in fact, be having Dillan's children, but then thought better of it.

Father Lucas had always told me to keep things reserved and between us, and I think this is just another one of those things.

"It's going to happen tonight regardless," she continues, and I want to groan because once she starts her lectures, there's no stopping them.

"There's no point worrying yourself to death over it, dear. Just listen to Dillan and make him feel good; it will make you feel good. Regardless, it's an honor to be contributing to The Colony. She says, standing up and clapping her hands as she rounds the tub to look down at me.

"Now, what you should worry about is how you're going to fit into that dress of yours." She mutters, glancing down at me with disapproval, before spinning on her heels and walking into my bedroom, mumbling under her breath.

I don't care to listen; instead, I spread my body out, sinking further into the tub before holding my breath and sinking my entire body beneath the surface of the water.

It was the only sense of peace I got these days. The world around me would stop, my thoughts and feelings would all be drowned out by the water, and I had a few minutes to just be.

I was tired of thinking, talking, worrying, breathing.

And so, I stop and let the nothingness that comes from being underwater take over, and I bask in it for as long as I can hold my breath.

But sometimes, even those few minutes aren't enough.

. . .

"I can't wait for this to be over. Partying with elders is so lame." Dillian drawls as we continue to sway to the music.

"What's lame?" I ask, glancing around the reception hall of the graduation ceremony.

He sighs and rolls his eyes. "It's a term they use on the outside." He mutters, and I can sense the tinge of superiority in his voice.

Ever since he started his summertime duties working for Father Lucas and running errands for him in the town over, he's been having more of an attitude.

He'd gloat at every chance he got, and it's been making me angrier than I'd like to admit.

I blink at him, my temper flaring. "And I would know why?"

He sends me a fake smile. "It should be pretty self-explanatory. Even for you."

My eyes narrow up at him. I didn't appreciate the way he constantly made me feel, like I was so... incompetent.

"The textbook definition for lame is when an animal can't walk due to a foot injury. So technically, I do know what it means, just not in the terms of modern-day slang."

Dillan's face drops, and a small triumphant smile crosses my face. "Goodness, Isabella, do you always have to be such a know-it-all?"

The classical music picks up, and we pick up our pace accordingly. "No. Your lack of wits just makes it too easy."

He narrows his eyes back at me, but I couldn't care less. Sometimes Dillan got on my nerves. The tempo once again rises, and we move faster with the other assigned couples dancing around us.

But I falter once I feel a sharp pain in my foot.

I wince and look up at Dillan, who's looking anywhere but me. Imbecile. "You did that on purpose." I glare.

I wasn't too keen on letting my anger get the best of me, but sometimes it was too hard to contain. And it gets even harder to stay calm when Dillan merely glances over me, disregarding me. But before I can snap at him, the music comes to a halt.

We both stop and look towards the entrance of the reception hall to see Father Lucas emerging from the doors.

The hall was located on the lower level of the town hall. It was adorned with round tables seating parents and elders who watched the young graduates dance.