I had lived two lives.

In both, I followed Lester Vance into quiet retirement after he hung up his armor, living peacefully, wanting nothing from the world.

And in both, his adopted sister clawed her way into the imperial palace and dragged us down with her. Our house was raided. Our family, executed to the last.

It always started the same way. She would kneel outside our thatched cottage, sobbing that the Emperor had cast her aside, that he'd chosen another woman as his consort.

Lester would set down his hoe and sigh. "You know I can't stand watching you cry."

Then he'd pull his dust-covered armor from the chest and follow her back to the capital.

It took dying twice for me to understand.

All that talk of sibling devotion.

Every word of it was a lie.

——

Lester Vance was returning to Aurelia in triumph, and every eligible girl in the city had rushed to the gates to welcome him home.

I was the only one walking the other way.

My little sister Gemma Abbott tugged at my sleeve. "Norma Black, aren't we going to meet him?"

I should have been. In both my previous lives, that was exactly what I'd done.

The script never changed.

I congratulated him on his victory.

He proposed in front of the entire city.

We married, we grew old together, we never parted.

It took a third life to see the truth: I'd given my heart to the wrong man.

I tightened my grip on Gemma's hand. "We're going home."

The crowd pressed in from every side, the air thick with dust and the stench of too many bodies. Each breath felt like swallowing stones.

Gemma pointed at my hair. "But you got up before dawn to do your hair. Wasn't that for him?"

"Did he make you angry? Is that why you won't let him see your pretty hairdo?"

I had no answer for that.

I reached up and pulled the crabapple blossom from my hair.

Placed it in my palm and crushed it, slowly, between my fingers.

Once, a bright-eyed boy had tucked a twin-stemmed crabapple blossom behind my ear.

He made me promise to wear one when I came to welcome him home from war.

And so for ten years, I, who never cared for anything flashy or ornate,

always pinned the most vivid crabapple blossom I could find before going to see him.

I stood beside him through his glory days, his fine robes and fast horses, his meteoric rise.

And my reward was a sword through the belly and a family in the ground.

This life, I intended to live differently.

I walked faster.

Gemma rose on her toes and hurried to keep up.

Behind us, the crowd erupted.

Hoofbeats hammered closer, louder, shaking the ground beneath my feet.

"Norma!"

A man's voice split the air beside my ear.

My feet stopped. My body turned, stiff as a board.

Lester Vance sat tall on his warhorse, silver armor gleaming, a black-gold crown framing sharp brows and striking eyes. He was so handsome it almost hurt to look at him.

"Not going to congratulate me on my victory?"

He watched me, expectation written across his face.

Every girl in the crowd turned to stare at me, green with envy.

Once, I would have basked in those looks.

Savored the certainty that I was the only one in Lester Vance's heart.

Until I saw with my own eyes what he did for Scarlett Vance.

Then I understood. All that devotion he'd shown me was nothing but a screen to hide the feelings he could never let the world see.

My voice came out flat. "The line of people waiting to congratulate you stretches from one end of this city to the other, General. You won't miss me."

His brow furrowed. "Three years apart, Norma, and this is what you have to say to me?"

I let my gaze drift across his face, calm as still water. "Oh, one more thing. When you find the time, send our betrothal contract back to the Black family."

Lester froze.

He swung off his horse and nearly stumbled on the landing.

"What is that supposed to mean? Explain yourself."

I had no interest in explaining anything to him.

The only thought in my head was to get as far from here as possible.

Girls swarmed around Lester, closing in like a tide.

I seized the chance and slipped away with Gemma.

She squeezed my palm. "You don't want him anymore, Norma?"

"Everyone says he's a great hero who won the war. They're all fighting over him!"

"Why doesn't my sister want the great hero?"

I didn't know how to explain it to her.

Probably because when a great hero decides to betray you, he does it more ruthlessly than anyone else.

He doesn't just crush your heart.

And it would cost my entire family their lives.

A marriage that ended in execution and ruin was one I could not afford.

And no longer wanted.

I hadn't even made it back to the residence yet.

The news of my broken engagement with Lester Vance had already swept through Aurelia.

The visitors lined up outside the Black residence, waiting to pay their respects to my father, were the first to catch the scent of it.

One by one, they picked up their gifts and left.

"Does the eldest Miss Black still think the Blacks are the Boling Blacks of old? Marrying into House Vance was already above her station!"

"I only wanted to get close to General Vance through the Black family. Otherwise, who'd bother warming up to a house this cold?"

"Who does Norma Black think she is? All she has is a reputation as the capital's top literary lady. Other women would kill to marry General Vance, and she's been sitting on that betrothal for years. Now she breaks it off in public? Who is she trying to impress?"

"General Vance earned his glory young. A noble title is right around the corner. The Blacks are going to regret this until their guts turn green!"

...

I listened to all of it. My heart was still as dead water.

Gemma's little face flushed scarlet with rage. "They look down on you, Sister. They look down on our whole family..."

I patted her head. "Gemma, what other people think doesn't matter. What matters is that our family stays together, safe and sound."

Gemma sniffled.

Then her eyes lit up.

"Father!"

She threw herself into our father's arms the moment he stepped through the gate, still in his court robes.

The complaints poured out of her in a torrent: everything that happened at the city gate with Lester, every snide remark from every fair-weather visitor who'd turned tail and left.

I clutched the edge of my sleeve, unable to meet my father's eyes.

Not until I heard him ask, "Why don't you want to marry him?"

His tone was gentle. He didn't seem angry.

Only then did I dare speak. "I don't have feelings for him anymore."

It was the most straightforward reason I could think of.

I could hardly tell my father that I had married Lester Vance twice before.

That the first time, I fell from a cliff and died. That the second time, I lost my head on the executioner's block.

And that I had dragged the entire Black family down with me, every last one put to the sword.

He wouldn't believe me even if I told him. Better to say nothing.

My father studied me, brow furrowed. "Norma, you have never been reckless."

"There must be another reason."

"Since you won't say, I won't press."

"But let me remind you of one thing. Lester has been by your side since childhood. He has always adored you. A match like that is rare. Don't do something you'll regret."

A rare match?

I used to believe that too. That Lester Vance was everything I could hope for.

We were promised to each other before we were born. We grew up side by side.

From the first stirrings of young love, I dreamed of growing old with him. I held that dream for ten years.

Every letter he sent from the front, I smoothed flat beneath a paperweight and tucked carefully into a box, layer upon layer.

During the worst of the fighting, when word came that he was dead, I carved both our names into a plaque of pear blossom wood. Even if he was gone, I would marry his spirit tablet.

That was how much I loved him.

And Lester?

To pave the way for Scarlett's entry into the Eastern Palace, he surrendered his command and laid down his armor.

He told me, "Norma, you've always been so understanding. I know you'll support my decision."

He asked me to give up my noble standing and follow him to the countryside to live in poverty.

When I was carrying his child, he turned around and marched back to the capital, all to prop up Scarlett's position.

I tried to stop him.

He said I had changed.

"The Norma I knew would never be this unreasonable."

I stood there, frozen.

Something cracked open in my chest, and the cold wind howled straight through.

Three years of marriage. Three years in that countryside, choking down porridge made from wild greens.

Hands that once held embroidery needles split open at the knuckles from chopping firewood.

When the kindling was too damp to catch, I got on my hands and knees and blew into the stove until tears streamed down my face.

I never once complained.

And in the end, because Scarlett whispered one word of grievance,

he blamed me.

I ran after their carriage.

I just wanted to ask what I had done wrong.

I lost my footing at the cliff's edge. Two lives gone in an instant: mine, and my unborn child's.

Then came the second life. I was careful beyond measure, steering clear of the cliff, making it back to Aurelia alive. I said every kind word I could think of, poured out every ounce of devotion I had. But he still raised an army and stormed the palace for Scarlett Vance's sake. The entire Black family was executed because of it. I stared at him through burning eyes and asked, "Why?" Why sacrifice so many lives for one Scarlett Vance? He reached up and wiped the tears from the corner of my eye. "Because she's my sister." "I would betray the whole world to see her happy. What's the extermination of three clans compared to that?" In that moment, I finally understood. Childhood sweethearts, steadfast husband and wife, all of it was a lie. The only person Lester Vance had ever cared about was Scarlett. …… I pulled myself out of the memories and unclenched my fists, my palms aching where my nails had dug in. "Father," I said quietly, "I want to enter the palace." He blinked in surprise. "You mean you want to join the Crown Prince's bride selection?" I nodded. His lips moved soundlessly for a moment. "Norma, even if you don't marry Lester, there are plenty of fine young men in Aurelia worth considering. Marriage is too important a matter to decide out of spite." I cut him off. "Besides the Crown Prince, who in this empire outranks Lester Vance?" "The Blacks aren't what they used to be. You've already been generous enough to let me break the engagement with House Vance on a whim." "But I refuse to let our family keep declining." "Besides, a daughter of the nobility will have to enter the palace sooner or later. If not me, it will be Gemma." Father let out a long sigh. The Crown Prince was cold by nature. Nothing like Lester, who knew how to charm. In my previous life, only Scarlett had set her sights on the Eastern Palace. She had been singularly obsessed with becoming Crown Princess. The Emperor was wary of the Crown Prince forming alliances with powerful officials. Lester had to surrender his military command before Scarlett could be admitted to the Eastern Palace. To prove his loyalty and pave the way for her, Lester had also handed over every last coin of the general's household, including my dowry. The day we left Aurelia, Scarlett came to see us off in tears. She leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Rest easy in the countryside, sister-in-law. I'll put your dowry to good use." My heart sank like a stone. So my dowry had never been surrendered to the throne. It had gone straight to Scarlett. That was the first time I discovered Lester had lied to me. …… Father sent for the finest portrait painter in Aurelia to capture my likeness. I had barely settled into my pose when Lester came storming through the gates. He spotted me, faltered mid-stride, and took a moment to straighten his robes before closing the distance. His expression was ice. "You don't think you owe me an explanation for this broken engagement?" I lifted my gaze to meet his. "I wanted it broken, so I broke it. What is there to explain?" "Or does the great General Vance intend to force a marriage?" In the past, I had been nothing but gentle and considerate in front of him. Never willful. Never a harsh word. Lester's brow creased. "What's gotten into you?" "Are you upset that I didn't write these past few months?" "I figured I'd be marching home soon enough. There was no need to waste riders on letters." I let out a mocking laugh. "Funny. I hear Miss Vance received one every single day, delivered by express courier." "What happened to not wasting riders, General?" Lester looked at me with open disappointment. "Scarlett is my sister. You're really going to make an issue out of a few family letters?" "Norma, we haven't seen each other in three years. When did you become so jealous?" His sister. The same excuse. The same lie, told to me and to himself. I wiped the smile from my face. "What I've become is none of General Vance's concern." "The betrothal contract has been returned. We're both free. Don't let me keep you." "Norma Black!" Lester seized my wrist. "There's a limit to throwing tantrums."

"Our engagement was settled before we were even born. You can't just tear it up!"

He thought I was throwing a tantrum.

He had no idea that reaching this moment had cost me two lifetimes.