I did not want to draw attention to myself.
Oh, and to avoid frightening anyone, I had also left a note behind.
[Don't worry, I'm now a star shining in the sky.]
Slowly, my mind started to blur. As death loomed close, a rush of memories from this world flew through my mind. No matter how hard I tried, Lucia always seemed to win. Everyone liked her more than me.
Just when I thought it was the end for me, someone suddenly lifted me up.
I was grateful to be taking in fresh air and breathed deeply.
"Yoana, have you lost your mind?"
The man in front of me was Calvin Scott, my former doctor. He was eight years older than me. He was also a man I had once tried to get close to.
Back when I was diagnosed with depression, he was the one who treated me. The system told me that he could be someone I could connect with, so I spent a lot of time trying to be good to him.
We shared meals, painted together, and visited amusement parks. He even introduced me to his beloved grandmother. He told me I was the first woman to ever step into his old house.
His feelings for me grew quickly. I was sure it would work out this time.
However, Lucia showed up again.
Right in front of me, she burst into tears and said to Calvin, "Dr. Scott, Yoana got someone to hurt me. I can't sleep, and all I see in my dreams are those scary moments. I just want to end it all."
Just like that, Calvin hugged her in front of me. "Don't be scared. I'm here for you."
That same day, Calvin, with eyes red from anger, yelled at me to go away. He said I was only pretending to be sad to make him feel sorry for me, and he even called me gross.
Just like that, I failed in my mission once more.
…
I could not help but laugh at the irony of it all. Twice in one day, I tried to end it all, and both times, I bumped into someone I had tried to charm before. Was the world really that small?
"Aren't you supposed to be at Lucia's wedding right now?" I spoke without any feeling, my eyes just staring blankly at him.
He was a good-looking guy with a nice voice, and he was always kind to women. That was how he once helped me come out of my dark place. However, he was also the one who pushed me back into an even darker hole.
"I wasn't feeling well and needed to get some air. Is that a problem?" He frowned, looking totally annoyed.
He was really into Lucia too. He even gave up his chance to study abroad for her. Today was her wedding day, which was probably why he was upset.
"Why are you trying to do something so drastic here? Or did you know I was close by and thought this might make me feel bad for you? Yoana, can you stop acting all sad in front of me? Can't you try something new?"
I heard him, but my expression did not change. I had heard that kind of talk from him more than once.
However, I was not pretending. I really was depressed. Why could he not see that? Did they always have to blame me for everything just because I was not loved?
I kept quiet and got up to leave. As I walked away, I started to think up another way to end it all.
I had never felt so lost before.
It seemed Calvin was scared I might actually do something to hurt myself. He grabbed me and brought me back to his place.
Then, Calvin called Jim to come get me.
When Jim got there, Patrick and Lucia were with him. Lucia looked really scared when she saw me and hid behind Patrick.
Patrick glared at me and said, "Yoana, will you never stop putting on acts just to make us feel bad for you? Today's my wedding day with Lucia. Do you really want to ruin it? Haven't you hurt her enough already?"
They all thought I was up to no good, that I was out to get Lucia.
I slowly looked up at everyone there, seeing nothing but coldness and even some disgust. I let out a laugh and said, "What if I told you Lucia's the one who hurt me? She's the one who had someone attack me."
Lucia went pale the moment I said that. The others looked surprised.
"I didn't do anything, Yoana. Why are you lying about me? You're the one who ruined everything." Lucia started crying, looking all pitiful. She constantly pulled this to trick Jim and the others into feeling sorry for her.
"That's enough, Yoana!" Jim shouted at me. "You did something wrong, and now, you're just telling lies. Say you're sorry to Lucia—now."
Calvin was mad too. He said, "Yoana, you'd better say you're sorry to Lucia."
Patrick did not even look at me. He just focused on making Lucia feel better.
Lucia truly was the female lead here. They believed everything she said. If she said something was true, then it had to be. On the contrary, everything I said was wrong. Even when I tried to explain myself, it was still wrong.
She was always the good one. I was always the bad one.
As they talked bad about me, they looked so disgusted.
I felt like I had been so hard on myself these 25 years, putting myself through so much pain for nothing.
I was so tired. I wondered whether being dead would be better. I thought that if I died, I would be free. I was trying to leave, but they would not let me.
"You'll just find another way to get Lucia in trouble if you leave," Jim said, glaring at me.
"Stay right here," he told me. "Calvin and I will take turns keeping an eye on you. You're not going to trick Lucia."
Hence, they took turns watching me.
Patrick went back to his wedding with Lucia, while I was at Calvin's house all night. They brought me food, but I did not eat. I did not sleep either. I thought maybe I could just starve or wear myself out.
I just sat on the couch and stared out the window. I was not really looking at anything, though.
Calvin finally saw that something was wrong. He grabbed my hand and made me look at him.
"Yoana, look at me. Do you know who I am?" he asked.
I just looked at him quietly and did not say anything.
Jim looked worried too.
"What's wrong with her?" he asked.
"She probably feels like she's trapped in her own world, and that's why she's trying to hurt herself on purpose. "
Calvin's eyebrows knitted together as he talked, and I could see a bit of worry in his eyes. "It looks like Yoana might really be feeling depressed this time."
