My heart seemed to be beating faster as I looked out the window. So much pain in the eyes… and so much pain in the heart I have feeling right now. I wanted to convince myself that I was only dreaming. I hope that everything I see with my eyes is not true.

That man can't be Mike!

"Mamsh, are you okay?" I heard Kath’s voice talking to me. She had her arms around me and was patting my shoulder, moving my body away from the window. “I know you're having a hard time processing everything right now. Because even myself, literally I was surprised by what I saw, and I know you… I know it’s more painful for you."

I shook my head and walked away from Kath. The tears welling up in my eyes, I quickly wiped them away, I made sure to face my friend with a smile on my face.

"My eyes saw that the woman kissed Mike. But only on the cheek. Maybe they are just friends. Maybe that doesn't mean anything, right?"

What I'm saying is stupid. I'm aware of that. If what I'm doing now is called stupidity at its finest, I don't care. It's true that the girl kissed Mike's cheek earlier, so maybe that doesn't mean anything. Maybe there is no malice. I hope that... even if these thoughts are just my imagination, they will become reality.

"Are you really... able to think of such a thing behind what your eyes saw earlier, Andeng?" Kath's face looked at me unbelievably it while questioning me... like even my friend thinks I’m so stupid.

I immediately looked away from her. "I shouldn't just look from one angle, right? Because... yes, from the angle I saw earlier... I can’t imagine that… that woman is really my husband's mistress. But when I try to find things further... maybe... is there another reason why that woman kissed my husband? I can't immediately attribute malice to what I saw when in fact it doesn't really have any other meaning? I don't want to judge people right away."

I really fought hard to defend Mike with my friend. Just by Kath's appearance, I knew she wanted to suspect that the woman we saw earlier was my husband's mistress. Add to it, Kath still doesn't know that the woman we saw together is the same person who became my patient just now—who is pregnant. And the same shade of lipstick she used is the same shade of lipstick I saw on Mike's pants the other day-

I don't really know what to think. The details are too jumbled in my brain.

"I hope you made the right decision to let yourself know the whole truth first. Because if the angle you saw earlier is not really enough, I hope you find an angle that will prove that that woman is not your husband's other woman." Kath patted my shoulder before she left me in the area.

Even I, myself, am not sure what I'm doing. As for the things I think about, my head is hurting too much from mixed suspicions and thinking about things to defend my husband from what my brain is trying to prove. Those arguments keep popping into my head, but I keep ignoring it because I don’t want to believe it. I’m just not… so prepared for that. Because that girl is too young for my husband, or that girl for my husband... which obviously has a big age gap between them.

"It's absolutely impossible for Mike to love someone younger than him."

—

I was eating in the hospital’s cafeteria by myself. Kath and I will not eat together since she will have duty in the Operating Room. Instead of waiting for the surgery to be done there, I went first. It’s just that I am so hungry today that I couldn’t let myself starve for too long.

And for my meal today, I have no other choices but to order a Sulit Meal here at the cafeteria; on a plate there is a burger that’s full of not so tasteful bun in the first bite, then there is also spaghetti that is sparingly in sauce, in the ingredients and the cheese, and lastly there are french fries that are limper than to a sick person.

Well, if I really had company I wouldn't be here to have lunch at the cafeteria. When Kath and I eat together, we go out and look for a restaurant that is close to here to eat. Who else would handle the food here though?

"Looks like you've had that meal for a week, huh?"

Just a while ago I was sitting at my table staring at my food so that I would have the desire to eat it... but suddenly someone occupied the seat across from me. So, I raised my head to see who was sitting.

“Hey, Morgan? Why are you here? It’s been nice to see you again!”

He's been my friend since college. We were a trio back then with Kath, but Morgan parted ways from us when he decided to go abroad and work there. It’s just so sad that after finishing our years in college, I didn’t anticipate there will come a time the strong friendship we built during that time will have to face some… we call a massive breaking apart.

"My grandmother was confined here because of a heart attack. I just visited.” He dropped the large plastic bag he was holding on the table and began to take out its contents. "And of course so that I can provide you and Kath a meal for today. Have you forgotten we had a deal back then? When I finally come back here in the Philippines, I’m going to treat both of you to your favorite meals,” he giggled as he said.

Morgan knows exactly how ticklish Kath and I are; Korean foods of course. Gimbap, kimchi, cooked fried noodles, rice cake, and he also has tacos, lasagna, nachos, spaghetti and pizza. These are the foods that I really crave to eat, unfortunately they are not available in the hospital’s cafeteria.

“I’ve known you for so long, Andrea. And I definitely know when you’re starting to lose appetite, food is something that you almost consume for a week.” His continuous laugh is so painful in the ears.

I was so hungry, I started gobbling up Morgan's food, I kind of forgot to thank him before I ate it all. As I mentioned earlier, my stomach really needs food to digest as soon as possible. I can’t wait any longer.

"Thank you," even though my mouth was falling open, I spoke.

"Don't speak when your mouth is full." Laughing, he took a tissue and came slightly closer to me to wipe the corner of my lips. "I always remind you in college that you don't need to thank me, right? As long as I can see that the food I bought is delicious, that's okay with me. And as well as I could see in your eyes that you’re enjoying the food I gave to you, I’m satisfied with that."

I quickly chewed what was in my mouth and swallowed, and then I started talking while giggling. "You’re speaking like you really thought you were the one cooking the foods you gave to Kath and me before. While it's all from fast food!"

"But I made an effort. I'm still the one who bought it, and it's my money that's being spent," he boastfully implied to me. And because Morgan entertains me during my lunch time, at least now I can laugh again—at least somehow.

"You won’t be safe to me, or perhaps your secret behind the sadness in your eyes. Since I arrived, I've been noticing it for a while. Do you have a problem?" he said suddenly, which I fully thought he wouldn't notice that he saw me in trouble here today. "Just don't tell me that your problem is about your love life, huh? You already know the answer to that."

"What?"

"Just backread our conversation on June 23, 2017. All the advice you need, I already told you there."

I rolled my eyes at him when he suddenly laughed at me. There is nothing so funny about my situation.

"You're sulking again. I'm going to make it up again with my crush who has friendzoned me before." To this day, Morgan is still laughing when he pulls his chair next to me. I stopped eating when he put his arm around me and patted me on the shoulder. "Of course, as a man who loved you before, it hurts me to know that the woman I valued so much until now, will only be hurt by her husband. Because it's like slapping me in the face, Andrea, that... I made the wrong decision to leave you to your husband now if he's going to hurt you too."

"Because, to tell you honestly... I loved you so much that day... that I couldn't bear sleeping every night without regretting letting you go. But I chose to let you go and leave you to Mike... because you love each other. Who am I to stop you from being happy, right? Of course, wherever or with whom you are happy, I will be happier, too. For you..."

I moved away from the contact of my body with his, and I faced Morgan… without realizing that I was in tears. “I really love my husband, Morgan. So I can't bear it if we just break up-”

"So, you and Mike have a problem?"

I was trapped by my words, so I nodded in response.

"As long as you can solve it, you will overcome it. As long as the problem is not too big, talk about it. I don't want to see you hurt because of your relationship with Mike. That hurts more for me, Andrea."

I couldn't do anything but hug him. And there is no malice since Morgan and I are just friends. I can't even bear to tell him that I suspect that my husband has a woman. I know him, he will react once he knows that leaving me to a man who can't keep all the promises he made to me when we got married might lead to nothing.

"Have you met your ex at the hospital earlier?"

When I got into the house and while I was taking off my shoes, I didn't immediately notice that Mike was in a long chair while he was drinking wine alone there. Most of the time I go home before him since he often stays up late at school due to his heavy workloads that includes checking the papers of tons of his students.

“Is it Morgan?” I laughed in response. Mike still thinks that Morgan has been my ex-boyfriend. "Morgan is just my friend. It must have been a coincidence that we met earlier at the hospital since he was visiting his grandmother. He said his grandmother had a heart attack."

"He's in another country, isn't he?" Mike is still not making eye contact with me. His eyes were fixed on the glass of wine. "Will he go back there again? How long will he stay here in the Philippines?"

"I haven’t asked about that to him-"

"You talked for almost an hour earlier in the cafeteria, you didn't even ask him about that? Why? What did you two talk about?" Now his eyes challenge me to listen to him and tell the truth. "I'm your husband, so I'm just curious. Is he getting back with you? Is he trying to court you again?!”

"What are you talking about, Mike?!" I could no longer control my voice to raise because of my annoyance at my husband. I wish Gian was watching a movie in his room so he wouldn't hear us here. "I hope you still hear what you are saying now. Because I don't know how long I have to repeat to you that Morgan and I haven't had anything since then, and it's even more impossible to have now!" I said loudly.

My tears are only superficial so just a little ache to my heart and I feel I will be emotional. Because I can't handle Mike doubting me. Of all people, I'm really the one he suspects is the one to potentially have an affair?

"I will ask you now." I grabbed the glass from his hand, knowing that he was about to drink it. Just to gain his attention, no alcohol first. "Who is that woman? What is your relationship with her?”

“Who?” His eyebrows met as he asked. "You're going to make up a story about me to make me look bad? Andrea, do you want us to have another fight-”

“I'm not making up a story. This is not an excuse I made to make you let slip your doubt about me, Mike. Because my eyes can clearly see from the second floor of the hospital that you have a woman, with a younger face than mine, and you even take her inside her car. She even kissed you on the cheek, didn't she?" I caught his eyes trying to move away from me. "Who's that, Mike?"

"What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about, Andrea. Why do you have to always think I’m seeing another woman? I think your mind is just creating an imaginary scene just to prove that I'm becoming a womanizer even though I'm not, huh!"

"I know that girl. And I'm sure that what I saw earlier was not just my imagination, Mike," I said with emphasis. "That girl became my patient earlier. She was very scared. You know why?"

He didn't speak. He just picked up the glass that was on the table again and filled it with wine, he made sure to guzzle it straight down.

“She was afraid to find out that she was pregnant. Because what scares the girl even more is that she doesn't want her parents to know that she got pregnant by a man who already has a family."

I told Kath earlier that I want to believe what I stand for, that maybe what I saw was not malicious and I want to hear Mike first how he will defend himself to me. But in the scene that is happening now, he is proving to me even more that my suspicions are correct. That my decision now is to keep doubting him. Because he couldn't even look me in the eyes. He had been staring at me for a while. Whenever I questioned him about that girl, his only answer was that I was making up a story. That I was making excuses for us to fight and I felt bad for him.

"That's why you immediately thought it was me-"

"That's not the only reason I'm looking at, Mike! Are we just going to be here again and again?” My voice was shaking because it was as if he was having a hard time understanding my point. "Let's say I didn't see you with that girl and I didn’t see she even kissed you on the cheek, I wouldn't doubt that there might be something between you two. But I saw it with my two eyes, Mike! I saw you! So, the foundation of my doubt is even stronger because I don't know why you two met? How? What is your relationship with her? Or maybe you are also the father of the child, right?"

My cheeks are full of tears. I can't accept if even tonight Mike admits to me that all my suspicions about him are true. I feel like... I can't handle it. I might collapse.

“Andeng-”

"Are my doubts about you all true?" I slapped his hands away from me when he tried to touch me. "Because if everything is true... it's probably good that we both get a divorce."

No more fluff, I need to get straight to the point as much as possible. I know it's not the first time I've challenged Mike to break up, but this time… I really can't. I don't want our relationship to remain as husband and wife while he has a baby that he is responsible for with another woman.

I never dreamt of having a family and being married just to let myself suffer because my husband is having an affair.

"Tell me you're not serious about this, Andrea."

"Why not?" Furious with anger, I glared at Mike. "You don't know but I've been tired of our relationship for a long time. I never dreamed of getting married just to make myself doubt whether you have a woman or not. I don't deserve this, Mike… because all along, I was honest with you!”

I violently wiped away another batch of tears that fell. "So, I don't want to continue this anymore. I can't give another chance. Let’s end our marriage here, Mike.”

"I hope you will change your mind soon, Andrea. Because you know I won't agree to your challenge to divorce me, so I'm giving you enough time to think." He dropped the glass on the table hard, making my body jump in shock. "And when your decision is complete, be sure to talk to me again about this matter. Because if you're sure that you're really going to end the marriage with me, we'll fight for custody for Gian next."

Mike went up to the second floor while I was left in the living room with my body still shaking. I don't know if it's because of the weather tonight, or maybe it's because my emotions are mixed with nervousness... because in fact, I didn't expect myself to end up challenging Mike to have our divorce… for the second time around. I was, perhaps, so impulsive earlier.

"Your loud exchanging voices with Papa reached my room, ma..." Gian sat next to me and hugged my waist. "I'm clueless about what you and Papa are fighting about, but hopefully it will be fixed soon."

"Of course." I swallowed all the sadness I felt, just to make sure when I faced my son, he wouldn't see his mother dealing with a huge relationship problem. "Son, whatever you heard earlier... just... don't think about it. Don't bother asking me why we're fighting earlier. It is normal for those in a relationship to have disagreements, okay? That's part of life, and... let's say a struggle for us that we have to overcome together to enable our relationship, at the same time, be stronger."

"But you and Papa aren't going to break up, are you?"

I was left smiling, but I didn't immediately respond. How can I answer Gian's question, and even I can't assure myself how long Mike and I's marriage will be valid.

"Nothing like that will happen, okay? And even so, one thing I can assure you... your dad and I will stay by your side. You were born with your father and I, and I can assure you that until you get married, your father and I... we will attend the wedding of our only son together." I gently leaned Gian's head on my shoulder so that at least when the tears flowed from my eyes, he wouldn’t see it. "Wherever or from whomever you hear those things, don't listen, okay? Focus on yourself and on our family. Everything else is just a noise.”

If I really need to tell lies, I'll do it. As long as I can hide the problems I'm facing from Gian, I will. As much as possible, I don't want Gian to absorb the weight and stress that is happening in his family... to the point that he can no longer focus on his studies.

He must be out of our fight with his father.

—

"I know, Jazz..." I heaved a long sigh as soon as I arrived at the meeting place where I met Jazz, my new friend since this year. "It's because of the photo you showed me, the face is different from the woman I saw kissing Mike's cheek the same day that woman I gave me a check-up to."

Suddenly, our conversation paused because the waiter came to ask for our order. I had pancakes and a chocolate latte, and Jazz told the waiter about hers.

"What if your husband doesn't have only one mistress? What if there are many?”

I called all the saints I know after Jazz telling her suspicions. My gosh, I hope her suspicions were wrong. Letting myself think that my husband has another woman makes me paranoid already. How massive stress can he give me if it is true he has many mistresses?! Will he do more than one?

"You think that's why the face you saw is different from the one I saw, does that mean they are two?"

"It's not unlikely to be three or four."

I whispered many profanities in my mind. Because I'm still thinking that what if Jasmin's suspicions about my husband are true, I feel like I just want to give up or let my world crumble. I'm losing the strength to fight. I feel that I have no reason not to pursue my divorce with Mike if I can prove that he has many affairs.

Fvck.

"All of those, of course, were all pure suspicions. We still don't have solid evidence to point to two or three women being played by your husband. What you can do now is to be an observer.”

Our ordered foods have also arrived, and I immediately took the choco latte to drink. Although it was hot, it was just plain water for me.

"This would be a different flavor I would dare to taste. I hope I get out of here alive, Jazz.”

I just poured the coffee into the void while I spent twenty minutes before heading to the hospital. I left the house early earlier because I thought of bothering Jazz to see me today due to a lot of questions my mind has been trying to find answers to since yesterday.

"I immediately apologize to you if we started getting close the day I sent you a stolen pic of your husband with a girl. I feel like... I’m becoming someone who’s trying to mind your business," Jasmin bit her lips as she spluttered.

"But I appreciate your effort in reaching me out and sending those pictures. Without your initiation, maybe until now I would remain a fool and blindly believe that I still don’t have any idea that my husband is cheating on me." I showed her how my smile becomes bitter.

Like I mentioned earlier, Jazz is my new friend. We met on the internet, and the main reason why we became close is because she's the one that gave me reasons to doubt my husband. She also provided me with some proof. Those pictures. If not because of her efforts, probably my innocent mind is still closed to receiving the truth.

"Let's just hope that... we're wrong." Jazz reached for my hand and made sure to smile at me. "Your eyes show that you love your husband very much. So, I really hope our suspicions turn out to be wrong.”

—

I was about to enter the elevator when I bumped into a woman, who seemed to be ahead of me as I entered. The black jacket that had been hanging on her shoulders fell off. So, I bent down to pick it up and handed it to the woman-

"Thank you-" When she saw my face, she smiled at me. "Oh, it’s you, Doc Andrea."

I watched her enter the elevator and I followed. We are the only two people; while she was adjusting the hanging of the jacket on her shoulder.

“What a nice jacket.”

"Yes, doc. My boyfriend gave it to me.”

Hearing her answer made my temper grow higher and the bitterness in my face got overloaded. Because now... it looks like I know the real reason why the jacket I gave to my husband as a birthday present is missing from Mike's drawer.

"Have you already told him about your condition?"

"Uh… not yet, doc."

I faced her. "What are your plans, Miss?"

"Eloise."

"So, Eloise... What are your plans? You will forever hide from him about your baby with him?" I tried my very best not to sound like I was interfering in both of their lives. "Or if you're planning something else, I hope it's not a crime on your mind."

"That's the reason why I'm preparing my passport." She immediately looks away from me. "Because in the States, it's not illegal for me to do this.