4

Rosie

I stared at the door of my parents' house and took a deep breath. Christmas Day was supposed to be a joyous day of people laughing, exchanging gifts, and pleasantries, but for me, since yesterday, it has been a nightmare.

I could still hear those comments in my head, still see that video playing on loop every time I closed my eyes.

I looked at the snow falling to the ground, uncaring of what the humans were feeling, whether they were happy about the snow or not. The chiming sound from the bells and the Christmas lights from the neighborhood lit up. Everything looked so normal, so festive, like my world hadn't just ended.

With a deep breath, I pressed the doorbell. My mother opened the door, and upon seeing me, her mood immediately soured. She scoffed and left the door open, turning her back like I was a stranger.

As I entered, the house never felt so small and constricted. Home was supposed to be comfortable and warm, but now it felt so distant and suffocating. Everything felt different. The familiar scent of cinnamon from Mom's Christmas candles made my stomach turn.

The family photo on the wall mocked me-the perfect twin daughters, side by side, both smiling. Except only one of us was truly wanted.

I reached the living room and my dad was seated on the couch, he was reading a newspaper and my mother beside him. The Christmas tree stood in the corner, still beautiful, still lit up.

"Sit down," my mom said, her voice sounding so distant. And I sat on the edge of the armchair across from them, my hands clasped in my lap

A long silence passed-before my dad folded the paper and removed his reading glasses, then faced me. His expression morphed into controlled anger as he spoke in a cold voice.

"Do you have any idea what you've done?" I flinched from how his voice came out.

I rubbed my hands together again as I opened my mouth to talk, but nothing came out. My mother glared at me, and I could see the disgust written all over her face.

"How could you do this to us?" my mother asked. "Everyone has seen it. Everyone," she added, her voice rising. "The neighbors, people from church, your dad's colleagues." She listed them, and I wanted the ground to swallow me.

"Because of you, we became a laughing stock when we went to church today. Everyone was talking about it. Do you know how humiliated I was?" Her voice cracked on the last word, and for a second, I thought she might cry.

"We can't show our faces anywhere," my mother said. "How could you be so stupid? So careless?"

"It wasn't like that." I managed to whisper.

"And how is it?" my father's voice boomed out and I nearly jumped from my seat.

"I didn't know he was recording-" I said.

My dad stared at me in disbelief as he cut me off. " You expect us to believe that?"

"Yes-"

Mom whispered, "Even if it's true, you still chose to-" She shook her head in disappointment. "You gave yourself to him like a cheap whore. On camera."

Did my mom just call me a slut?

"I didn't know about the camera!"

"You should have been smarter."

"I was lied to! I was used! I'm the victim here!"

Mom stood, face twisted with rage. Before I knew it, she slapped me hard across the face.

Silence. My cheek burned. Tears stung my eyes. I touched my face in shock. They'd never hit me before. Maybe they'd been saving their anger, comparing me silently to Sophia all these years

"We raised you better than this."

Dad stood, staring with disgust. "We raised both of you the same and look how differently you turned out." He shook his head. "Your sister would never do something like this. Sophia has always known how to conduct herself with dignity."

My mouth hung open but it was Sophia that planned everything but the words won't come out.

"We held both of you up as examples," Mom said bitterly. "Our beautiful twin daughters. Everyone knows about your scholarships, your grades. And Sophia's achievements, her beauty, her grace. And now? Now you're the joke of the town while your sister has to live with the shame of being associated with you."

Dad clasped his hands behind his back. "We can't have you here."

"What?"

"You need to leave."

"You're kicking me out?"

"Don't come to church. Don't come to family events. Sophia will represent the family from now on. You've lost that privilege. Until we figure out how to handle this, you're not welcome here."

"I'm your daughter-"

"Right now, we have one daughter. The one who didn't humiliate us."

Dad looked at me coldly. "We're ashamed of you. Sophia is everything we hoped for in a daughter. You... you're a mistake."

I ran to him, knelt, and grabbed his legs. "Please don't do this to me."

"You should have thought of that before."

He walked out. Each step felt like a nail in my heart.

Mom pointed to the door. "Leave. Now."

I stumbled toward the door, crying. My mom threw my bag at me, and it hit my chest before falling on the ground.

"I don't even want to see you. I don't have a whore as a daughter. From today on, you are dead to me." she sneered, "Sophia is my only daughter."

The door closed behind me with finality and I stood on the porch, shaking, the snow coming down heavily, like it was mocking me too.

I had nowhere to go. The sky was darkened. Even the moon wasn't out to shine light. The night was as dark as my world right now.

My world was crushed like the snow under my feet.

I didn't know how many hours passed as I stood outside in the pouring snow, staring at my parents' house as the light of the room went out. One by one, the windows went dark

Kira came. "Rosie? How did it go? You're freezing," she said the obvious, because I was already covered with snow. My face was white and pale. My lips were trembling and my nose was blocked. Frostbite.

My legs gave out as she wrapped her arms around my cold body and crouched down to my level. My body trembled as I cried harder than ever.

Not crying. Sobbing. The kind of sobs that tore through my chest, that made my whole body shake, that felt like they'd rip me apart from the inside out.

"They kicked me out," I gasped between sobs, my words barely coherent. "They didn't-they didn't believe me-"

"Everything will be okay," but I didn't believe her. How could anything be okay ever again?

After seeing I'd calmed down, Kira pulled me to her car, ushered me inside and turned up the heater, removed my soaked gloves, and handed me a coat as I shivered.

As Kira drove in silence, I just stared out of the window. I felt completely empty. Tears had dried on my face. My chest felt heavy, like there was a blockage. I just felt numb.

5

Rosie

The New Year went by in the blink of an eye and I didn't know how it went. I've been cooped up in bed after being saved by Kira from dying of hypothermia after standing in the snow for hours. I fell ill for days and Kira nursed me back to life.

What was the essence of living again?

Why am I still alive?

I thought and looked at the mirror again to look at myself, and I hated what I saw-My cheeks were puffy, my eyes sunken and tired, my lips cracked from the fever I'd had for days. My nose looked wrong. My hair was a tangled mess of waves that had given up on life, and my freckles stood out against my pale skin like little reminders of everything I hated about myself not perfect like my gorgeous twin sister.

I never hated myself more than this. I quickly glanced away from it. I didn't want those thoughts creeping into my head now. The dark thoughts that had been lurking at the edges of my mind for days, whispering that maybe it would be easier to just disappear. I would need to be clear-headed for today's class. I couldn't afford to fall apart now.

School resumed. Spring semester started today. Six months to finish my program. I couldn't let this disrupt my perfect GPA.

Six months remained to finish my program and I couldn't wait to finish it and run away from this hellhole called Silverwestern. Six more months and I could leave this place behind, start over somewhere new where nobody knew me.

Kira walked out of the shower, a towel wrapped around her chest as she stared at me, her gaze softening as she moved to me. "We can skip today if you want," Kira offered, and I shook my head. I couldn't do that to her. Make her miss school on the first day. She has done enough for me these days.

"I just can't hide forever," I mumbled. "I need to face it now," I said, though I didn't know if I could really face it or if I was putting on a front. I put some books in my bag and did my best not to look at the mirror again. I'd had enough of crying, wallowing in anguish.

After Kira was done dressing up, she drove me to campus in perfect silence, which I appreciated.

School looked different. Although the Christmas lights and tree designs were still up, the school looked different as students got out of their cars and walked to their respective places. Everyone seemed so normal, so carefree, friends grinning at one another.

I came out of the car, breathed in deeply as my bag slung behind me while I held the handle tightly for dear life. I dropped my head down and walked through the campus, but something felt off and different. I could feel eyes on me, students staring at me like I had a stigma at the top of my head. Well, I really had a stigma on my head. The scarlet letter of the digital age-exposed, judged, and humiliated.

Whispers started flying around the hallway and I gripped the handle tighter so hard that my knuckles ached, still walking to my class. Some people were really openly staring at me, not even hiding it.

I could catch some words floating around.

"That's her."

"The video girl."

"Can you believe..."

My skin crawled with every step. I wanted to run away and kept my head down, wishing to reach my class quicker. It felt like the hallway looked longer than I remembered.

As I entered my class, students were already there and I gulped. God, the eyes are too much! I wanted to go back to the comfort of Kira's house.

A guy from the back seat said, "Yo, you looking for another guy to film with?" and all the students erupted in laughter.

"I got a camera, just saying."

More laughter filled the room as I found my way to my seat, my face burned with humiliation. My hands shook as I clutched my bag, trying to make myself invisible.

"Slut!"

"Homewrecker. Josh deserves better."

As I wanted to sit down, something hit me on my shoulder. I looked down to see that it was crumpled paper that had been thrown.

"Hey, yo available for one night? Asking for a friend."

"Nah man, she's probably expensive after going viral."

I quickly sat down in my seat, my eyes burned with tears as I stared at the desk like it was the most favorite thing on earth. I traced the scratches in the wood with my finger, focusing on anything but the voices around me, the laughter, the cruel comments that kept coming.

When I couldn't take the stares and whispers anymore, I ran out of the class as the professor wanted to enter. I collided with him and fell on my ass. But that didn't stop the students from snickering. I quickly stood up and ran away with my bag clutched to my chest, ignoring the professor calling after me.

As I rounded the corner, I froze. There they were-Josh and Sophia, Mila, Tyler, and Brad with them. They were laughing at something on their phone and my stomach dropped.

Probably me.

Probably that video.

Sophia looked up, grinned, pulled Josh down. They kissed-long, sensual. My own twin sister kissing my ex-boyfriend, making sure I saw. She smirked directly at me-a cruel smile that said she'd won, that she'd always been the better twin.

And I swiftly turned around, my stomach turning as their mocking laughter followed me. Bile rose in my throat. I thought I might throw up right there in the hallway.

And show them an epic show of humiliation.

Then I heard Tyler jeer, "Damn, she actually showed up."

Why did I come here? What was I thinking? Would that things ever be normal again?

Humans were cruel.

I couldn't breathe, I could feel my heart constrict within the confinement of my ribcage. I needed air.

I ran to the little spot I had here in school, my only solace in this school, but I was stopped in my tracks, my breath hitched when I saw graffiti.

"Slut"

"Cheater"

"Whore"

There were even some crude images drawn on the wall. My hands shook as I stared at it, tears running down my face. The only person who knew this place was Sophia. My eyes stayed on the image, then my phone buzzed, pulling me out of my mental breakdown.

A message. "Please report to Dean Waterson's office immediately." My stomach twisted from the message, my throat bobbed with dread. I walked to the administration building. Every step felt like I was walking to my execution, my heart pounded so hard I thought it might burst from my chest.

As I reached the secretary, she looked at me with barely concealed disgust. "Dean Waterson is expecting you. Go right in."

I swallowed and opened the door to see a woman sitting behind a large desk-a middle-aged woman, professional, and her face cold and expressionless. She didn't even offer me a seat and slid a paper across the desk.

"I'm sure you know why you're here, Ms. Martinez," the woman said.

NOTICE OF EXPULSION in bold at the top of the paper. The words blurred in front of my eyes. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be real.

The Dean continued, "The video that has circulated depicts behavior unbecoming of a Silverwestern student." She readjusted her glasses. "You've tarnished the reputation of this institution." She cleared her throat. "We cannot allow students who engage in such activities to remain enrolled."

"Ma'am, I'm a final-" she raised her hands up sharply, cutting me off.

"That's not relevant to our decision," she said. "What matters is that your presence here has become disruptive." And she used her hands to make a steeple under her chin. "Students are uncomfortable. Parents are calling. We have to protect the integrity of Silverwestern University."

My voice shook. "This isn't fair-"

"Fair or not, the decision has been made," she injected coldly. "You have 48 hours to vacate campus housing and remove your belongings. Your student ID will be deactivated as of this afternoon." She said, "You're no longer a student here."

I stared at the paper in disbelief. "Can I appeal this?"

The Dean shook her head. "The decision is final. Sign the acknowledgement form at the bottom."

My hands shook as I took the pen she passed to me and signed it.

Dean took the form. "You may go," she said in cold dismissal.

I walked out of the office in a daze, the expulsion letter clutched in my hands. Three and a half years of college-gone. My degree was gone. My future was gone. All because of a video I didn't consent to. All because I'd trusted the wrong people. All because I'd been stupid enough to believe someone like me could be loved.

6

Rosie

A week after the expulsion. For a whole week, I've been trying to reverse the expulsion, searching online for anything that could make the school call off the expulsion.

Does that mean all my years of hard work had gone down the drain? But all the lawyers I've been seeing couldn't help me and I could feel helplessness and hopelessness creeping into my bones.

I even tried to call my father-maybe some of his connections could help-but I've been blocked off. I sat on the couch, scrolling through some feeds if I could find something, anything, as I cracked my neck, rubbing my eyes from straining and staring at the screen too much.

I've been home all day without anything to do and I've been feeling guilt for staying at Kira's apartment, sleeping on her couch and mooching off her food. That was why I tried to do the house chores even though Kira told me not to. But doing that would make my guilt lessen a little.

I stood up and went to the counter to pour myself a glass of water when a distressed voice from the ajar door stopped me on my way.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I couldn't stop listening because I heard my name.

"I know, I know..." she trailed off, running her hands through her hair. "Rosie just needs time." And I gulped. The water is long forgotten. "She's been through hell, okay?"

And my heart stuttered. Who was she talking to about me?

"I don't know how long, maybe a few more weeks?" A long pause, as worry etched her face and I bit my lower lip, "I can't just kick her out. Where would she go?" she said.

I could feel the guilt creeping in. I'd overstayed my welcome. I was uncomfortable in her own apartment but Kira was too nice to send me away.

"Her parents disowned her. She's got nothing." Another long pause and exasperated sigh, her voice sounding defensive. "It's not like that... She's my friend." Kira pinched the bridge of her nose. "Fine. Yes. I'll talk to her. Soon."

My stomach sank. Kira was defending me, and was having disagreements with someone because of me. Was it her boyfriend or parent? Maybe roommate, but the last time I asked, Kira responded she lived alone. Either way, I was causing problems as usual, ruining Kira's life too.

Everyone I touched got destroyed. I was a walking harbinger of ruin. When won't Kira be tired of me also? It was just a matter of time before Kira saw that I was dragging her into the rabbit hole.

When I noticed the call conversation had diverted to another thing, I walked back to the couch. I couldn't even drink water again because if I did, I was very sure I would puke it out. After some minutes, Kira came out of the room acting normal, with that warm smile on her face as if someone didn't just talk about me inconveniencing her on the phone.

"Rosie," she called and slumped beside me. "Whatcha doing?" she said, picking up the TV remote.

I swallowed, willing my voice not to give out that I'd eavesdropped on her call. "Just surfing the internet," I responded, not looking at her.

"Okay, what movie should we watch?" she asked and I looked at Kira. I could see the strain in her body language and exhaustion under her eyes. Since I had been staying at Kira's place, she had picked up another part-time job because of me.

I had to leave. I couldn't burden Kira with my issues anymore.

But where could I go?

After finishing the movie, that happened in absolute silence except the noises from the TV, both of us lost in thought.

Kira stood up and checked the wall clock. "Shit! I'm late for my work," she cursed, running to her room to pick up her slung bag.

"Bye. Later. Don't cook, I'll bring dinner," she said and ran out of the front door.

"Okay," I smiled sadly. Kira was a good friend, a friend anyone could pray for. If Kira hadn't come along when the incident happened, I was very sure I'd have killed myself.

I didn't have much... I never had much except excess body fat and baggage of problems. When I was done packing inside the duffel bag, I tore a sticky note as tears welled in my eyes.

"Thank you for everything. I'm sorry. Don't worry about me. - Rosie"

I rubbed my nose to stop the watering mucus from coming out as I left the note on the coffee table. I took one last look at the apartment. And a sad smile found its way to my lips.

I walked around aimlessly, looking for a sign for a cheap motel to stay the night. My account had been confiscated, thanks to my savings, saving my life now. I paid for the night and entered the room. I nearly recoiled from disgust-dingy room, stained carpet, even cobwebs-but it was mine for the night and wasn't a burden. I dusted the bed, changed the blanket and flopped on it. I stared at the cracked ceiling thinking on what to do next before my phone buzzed.

I glanced and saw a call from Kira but didn't answer. What would I tell her? Nothing.

Then a text came in. "Where are you?? Your note scared me. Please call."

Another followed after some minutes.

"Rosie, please. Just let me know you're okay."

I could feel my eyes sting and I turned my phone off before curling into a ball on the bed to keep myself safe.

I was spiraling. I knew it, I could feel it. I've used three days in this motel and I barely ate, just surviving on crackers and vending machine food. Noises from other rooms didn't let me sleep-moans, grunts, arguments, things breaking. The walls were so thin that I had to stay up at night sometimes, listening to other people's lives playing out around me. And whenever I tried to sleep in the afternoon, the music played at the bar below kept me awake.

Headache, sleep deprivation and hunger were eating me alive. My mental health waning away.

And sometimes, I scrolled through job positions yet every application asked for education and references which I didn't have. And the coffee cafe that would take me in was around the campus area and I couldn't go there to give them more to antagonize me further.

I watched the video every day, read the comments. You can call me a masochist.

But what was the point again?

What was the point of me struggling for the inevitable? What was the point of me being here? No one wants me. I don't even want myself. No one wants to listen. No one wants justice for me. No one... no one.

Maybe I should just end it?

Maybe it would stop the pain deep in my heart, my head and everywhere.

Maybe if I end it, people would feel remorseful. My parents would want my dead body. Sophia would finally feel guilty for what she'd done to her twin sister.

Maybe then I'd find peace.

I didn't know when I walked out of the motel, stopping a cab. I told the driver to stop at the bridge and the driver looked at me like I was high but I didn't wait for him before getting down and passed him the bill. I trailed to the bridge rim, looking at the sea. The night was cold as the wind cut through my thin jacket, yet I didn't feel it.

I stared down at the blue sea. Below was nothing. It would be quick. It would be over before I knew it. I gripped the edge tighter. There won't be shame, pain and being a burden anymore.

It'll be over soon.

I closed my eyes, took a step further. My life flashed behind my eyelids-the smell of my house, my parents' proud look, Sophia's cruel laughter, the students' crude comments, Josh's betrayal, my mother's words. Everything was ringing in my head. As I took another step, warm amber eyes flashed and my eyes flew open.

And I was grabbed from behind, away from the railing. That's when I noticed the cab driver was the one who pulled me away. If he was a minute late, I would have died. The realization made my chest rise heavily, inhaling air hungrily. My body trembled tremendously as a broken sob tore through me.

What was I thinking?!

"Fuck! I knew it!" the driver said, voice shaking. "My gut feeling never proves me wrong." The driver shook me and pulled me from the ground toward the car.

He opened the back door, pushed me inside, then got in the driver's seat. He turned up the heat and handed me a warm flask from his cup holder.

"I don't know what you are going through, but suicide is not the answer." His voice was warm and kind. "It might be hard to live through it now but I know it will be better, just persevere. There is always light after the darkness, the longest tunnel."

I clutched the flask, letting the warmth seep into my frozen fingers.

"And if it's too much sometimes, you can move away, get fresh air and start again. Don't give your demons the laughter that they achieved what they want." He turned to look at me. "Prove them wrong even if it means moving away for some time to recuperate yourself." he smiled warmly, "But never forget to make them pay for every tear they exert from you."