When you're alone inside your head, and unable to pull yourself out of the funk, you end up going crazy!!

So far, I've been alone for a total of 2 weeks and 4 days.

I've pushed away Dean and Holden, not letting them near me. I'm not doing anything apart from going to work, acting like a zombie, just about handling my duties and jobs. When I go home, I stay in my room and huddle up in the duvet.

I'm just about managing a bunch of grapes or a satsuma a day. I've already lost 9lb!

As a wolf, I should be eating a lot more, and as I haven't been keeping up my usual diet, my wolf has gone into hibernation.

Like me, really.

I don't know why I've turned into this emotionless soul, I just can't get over how a human could get inside my flat without me--a shifter--knowing, and was able to freak me out and scare me like he did.

I've dealt with the threats and blackmails from other Doms, but this was one step too far. Making somebody come to my home for force me into changing my Dom. It's quite frightening.

What am I supposed to do?

Which way am I supposed to turn?

I feel so lost, and out of control.

I'm all alone.

"Someone, help me." I whisper, as I curl the duvet around me tighter. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore!"

Tears streak down my face, my heart in my mouth, my deserted stomach churning painfully.

"I'm so lost!" I whimper, and close my eyes, attempting to halt the tears, failing miserably.

I'm vulnerable, broken, and for the first time in 3 years, I miss my parents. I need their words of advice, their knowledge and wisdom.

Despite our distant relationship, they were always there when I needed them. I took them for granted and I regret not trying to build on our lacking family unit.

I can never go back and change things!

How can I move on without this undeniable guilt? How can I be happy again?

How can I chose between my mate and my Dom?

What do I want more?

Who do I want more?

Dean, an incredible, strong, supportive, charming and generous man who wants for me to be happy... and he loves me!

Or

Holden, my mate, the man made to be with me. The person who is supposed to accept me despite my many flaws. He is loving, caring, supportive, and oh so patient! He also understands me!

Why do I feel such a strong connection with both of them?

Somehow, I have the same incredible tingles and sparks when I'm with them both, they just call to a different part of my brain. Dean calls to my desire, my passion and my pleasure, whereas Holden calls to my heart, my wolf and my sense of longing.

How am I supposed to choose?

~*~

"Right! Get out of bed... now! You need to shower, eat and get out of this god forsaken flat!"

I jump up in my bed, startled awake by a loud, booming and commanding voice.

As my eyes adjust to the light, I see Dean stood there, his hands on his hips, looking at me with displeasure and impatience.

"Noooo! I don't wanna." I moan, shoving a pillow over my head.

"Nope!" Dean snaps, yanking the pillow and duvet off of me and the bed, throwing them to the floor.

I whimper, curling my naked body up in a ball, trying to hide away.

Dean sighs, and climbs onto the bed, wrapping his arms around me and comforting me.

"Lizzie, baby. Please? I can't keep seeing you like this. You're lifeless! You're an emotionless zombie and I can't handle it anymore!"

I look up into his pained eyes, glazed over with tears as he strokes my cheek tenderly.

I don't know how, but seeing Dean in pain upsets me. I want to help him, to take his pain away.

"Dean! Please don't feel pain for me. I don't deserve your pain or sympathy." I whisper, my voice breaking.

Just seeing him like this produces an overwhelming, uncontrollable, aching pain spear through my heart.

"I can't keep seeing you so fragile and vulnerable Lizzie! I love you and it hurts me deeply to see you so pained. I don't know why it cuts me so deep. It hurts not only me, but my wolf too!" Dean whimpers, for the first time showing his weaker side.

My wolf howls in my head, making me cringe.

'We have to help him.' She whimpers. 'We love him, Lizzie! Make him happy again! I can't see him hurting like this!'

This confuses me. How could my wolf be hurt by Dean hurting?

What does he have to do with my wolf?

I push that question to the back of my mind, and I decide to listen to my wolf. Heal him!

Now!

I uncurl my body, slipping my legs in between his. I grab his face with my hands, pulling it down so I can kiss him.

As his lips crash against mine, my insides melt in ecstasy.

I dive my tongue inside his warm, sweet mouth, massaging it against his.

Dean always tastes divine!

We battle for dominance with our tongues, fighting for control. Dean manages to win as my submissive role kicks in.

Dean slides his hands over my bare skin, causing goosebumps to raise all over my body. Powerful and pleasurable shocks slip through my veins, causing me to moan involuntarily.

"Oh baby, I want you! Do you want me?" Dean murmurs against my lips huskily, the palms of his hands skimming over my nipples.

Oh, he is a god! My god.

"Yes, Dean. Yes!" I gasp, grabbing his shirt in my grip, holding him close. "Take me! Pleasure me. Please?! I can't take this feeling anymore!"

My core is heating painfully, every nerve ending a live wire. My wolf is whimpering with need.

It hurts! It actually hurts!

"Holy shit, you're in heat baby! That's what that scent is!"

"I... err... I don't know if I can make that pain go away! Only your mate can ease the pain." Dean breathes. I see shock, need and passion in his eyes as he tries to restrain himself.

Swallowing hard, I let his words sink in. I'm in heat?

I've only had one heat before, and it was a fortnight after I first shifted at 15. It was excruciating and I had to stay in my room for 2 long painful weeks, before it finally passed.

"Try, Dean! Please try!" I whimper.

I need him right now.

I am burning up beyond anything I have ever felt before, it's as though Dean has brought this on!

It only started when Dean put his arms around me.

He caused this!!

"Dean! NOW!" I scream, my back arching as the pain spikes furiously.

A loud sexual moan emanates from Dean's parted lips, and his self control waivers as he crashes his lips to mine again.

All I can feel and think of is Dean.

The way his hands touch me, the way his lips move against mine, his weight on top of me, his musky sweet breath, the feel of shirt and tailored trousers against my over sensitive bare skin.

It's like the most intense feeling I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. I just don't want it to end.

Dean's lips travel down over my jaw to my neck and my throat. Loud whimpers leaving my body with need begging in them.

I feel as Dean's hands work their way down my body, over my breasts and down my hips to my thighs, gently massaging them in a sensual manner.

"Oh Dean!"

Slowly, achingly slow, Dean slides his right hand between my thighs, stroking his index finger over my swollen bud.

My lips shake as I moan lowly. I need him! Now!

In a quick, surprising moment, Dean rams two fingers deep inside me.

I cry out, my back arching.

In quick succession, Dean's fingers pummel inside me hard, finger fucking me with all his effort.

A slight hint of pain swims through the sea of unadulterated pleasure.

Right now, I couldn't care less about the pain. I want more!

"Fuck me, Dean! Harder!" I scream.

I can't comprehend this increasing pleasure. It's overwhelming.

I'm on the brink of my climax. I need it so badly.

My back arches, my body quivering as the most mind blowing orgasm hits me full pelt.

I scream loudly, my eyes shooting open widely, and the shock of the climax sends me over the edge. Dean gasps out loud as my wetness hits my legs, soaking the bed.

As he eases his movements, I slump back on the bed with exhaustion, breathing heavily, making my throat dry and sore.

Dean is as breathless as I am. I watch as he removes his fingers from my sex and slips them in his mouth, with a kinky look on his face.

"You taste so fucking good, baby! Nobody even compares. You're evocative... so sweet." Dean moans, making my stomach clench in need, the burning has returned with full force.

"Dean... Dean! I want you, but I... I need water first." I gasp.

My heart is pounding out of my chest.

"Ok baby, I'll get you a drink." He murmurs, climbing off the bed and out of the room.

The pain in the pit of my stomach increases with Dean out of the room. I don't have any idea why I feel so in need of him, but I just have to have him.

Dean is my saviour in this very moment.

Returning with a glass of water, Dean helps me sit up to sip some of the cool, clear water.

It feels so refreshing on my dry throat, but it doesn't ease my hot burning pain through the lower half of my body.

I push the glass away when the burning ache becomes too much to handle. "Dean. I need you! Please, make this pain go away! I can't handle this! Now, please! Please!" I beg, tears filling my eyes and they begin to pour down my cheeks.

"Ok, baby. I know it hurts. I will help you." Dean murmurs, wiping the tears away with his thumb.

He stands from the bed, and strips in record time. His glorious body sending my body into overdrive.

When Dean returns to the bed, I grab his arm, yanking him on top of me with all of my pent up wolf strength.

He chuckles, with a grin on his face. "Eager are we, Miss Knight?"

I raise a sarcastic eyebrow. "Would you want me any different?"

Dean grins and shakes his head. "No baby, I wouldn't. Now, let's get rid of that ache? Eh?"

I nod. "Let's!"

Grabbing my calves, Dean positions them over his shoulders before positioning himself against my slit, and slamming into me... hard!

My eyes roll back into my head as Dean manages to hit the ache dead on.

Fast, rough, hard and intense powerful fucking, pushing the burning away with each thrust.

Dean's nails dig into my ass cheeks as he pushes deep inside me with force.

"I. Love. You. So. Much." Dean grunts between thrusts.

Out of my mind, and in cohorts with my wolf, I let those words slip out of my mouth. "I love you too!"

He stops, his eyes wide in shock. "What?" He gasps.

I smile shyly. "I love you, Dean Law."

Dean beams, his eyes bright and a joyous smile spreads across his face.

He leans down to kiss me, a sensual loving kiss. Dean starts moving again, this time slower and passionate.

My first ever time making love, and it's with someone that isn't my mate.

I can handle that if he gets rid of this pain!!

I whimper loudly, gripping onto his biceps as my body begins to feel the start of an insane orgasm.

"That's it, baby. Feel it. Feel me!" Dean grunts. "Cum for me, baby."

I close my eyes, my lips parting as the feeling grows, building higher.

Not only the pleasure from Dean's incredible loving, but the feeling of intense love and emotion for this man makes this act of fornication a whole lot more incredible.

My lips start to quiver, working its way from my lips, all the way down to my toes.

Dean continues to thrust. Slow and intense, until I reach my peak. The burning ache disappears immediately! Relief.

That's what I feel.

Understandable relief.

Dean grunts, and follows suit, cumming inside me with a long relieved sigh.

We lay there together, his head on my chest as we calm our breathing until we inhale and exhale in sync with each other.

"I love you, Lizzie."

"I love you too, Dean."

I feel satiated, relaxed and wanted. I feel cherished. I feel... free.

I may not be able to understand why I feel so strongly for Dean as well as Holden, but I am happy.

Maybe I can figure this out in time?

Back at work, finally out of my funk. I feel more positive. Still confused, but positive.

I'm sat there at my desk typing out a letter for my boss, Mr Fray.

Mind numbingly boring but it keeps my brain busy.

Just as I press print, the office phone rings. I clear my throat and take my professional mode.

"Good morning, Mr Fray's office. How can I help you?" I speak politely.

"Lizzie? It's Holden!"

I grin, hearing his bright voice.

"Hiya!! What's up?" I ask.

"I err... was err... calling to err..." He hesitates, stumbling over his words.

It's cute!

Adorable.

I smile.

"Just say it, Holden." I murmur gently, trying to encourage him.

I hear him down the line taking a deep breath. "I wanted to ask you on a date." He rushes out.

I blush at the request.

"Ask me properly and you might get an answer." I tease.

Holden chuckles slightly. "Sorry, I'm just a little nervous."

"I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me?"

I grin. "Yes Holden, I'd love to."

After the the phone call, I sit there questioning my acceptance to the date.

I'd spent a whole two days with Dean, letting him love me, and bond with me as more than a Dom or a friend.

I should allow Holden that opportunity too I guess?

Why is it that whenever I see either of these two men, I lose all my self control and end up in bed with them?

I feel like a slut!

I'm going back and forth between these two men, and I've now said I loved Dean, who isn't my mate.

Isn't that rejecting Holden?

Oh I don't know!

It's so confusing!

~*~

I'm stood in my hallway, nervously twirling my loose locks around my finger.

Holden is due any minute now to pick me up for our date.

I am dressed in a slinky deep plum purple wrap dress, hugging my curves perfectly, with a pair of lilac stiletto sandals.

I went all out for this date.

Part of me feels like I made too much of an effort, and that I should change, but the other part thinks I was supposed to dress up.

Holden isn't just a simple wolf. He's an Alpha!

My rightful mate is an Alpha.

Was I the right type to be a pack Luna?

Did I carry the right qualities?

More worries!!

Just as I'm working myself into a frenzy, a knock at the door halts my thoughts.

I shake my head, trying to rid those stressful thoughts from my brain. I take a long, deep and calming breath as I walk to the door.

Swinging it open, I gawp at the gorgeous creature in front of me. Black leather dress shoes, a pair of tight fitting black trousers that hang off his hips in such a sexy fashion. A dark navy blue shirt, striped light blue and purple tie, and that sexy face. An eyebrow raised with a smirk on his face.

He noticed me checking him out.

"Holden... just... wow." I breathe in amazement.

He grins. "I should say the same but I have the words. You look beyond stunning this evening! You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met."

My heart stutters as he says that. I think I love him!

Oh fuck!

The words tumble out of my mouth like vomit. "I love you."

The look on Holden's face lights up my heart and my wolf. "I love you too."

I bite my lip nervously, and grab my handbag. "Shall we go?"

I receive a nod, so I turn off the hallway light, and let Holden take my hand to lead me down the flight of stairs in my block.

"So, where are we going?" I ask, all of sudden nervous about what I'm wearing--again!

"It's a surprise, sweetheart. I think you'll love it." He replies.

"Am I dressed ok?" I whisper, self consciously.

Holden stops me from walking, gripping my hand. He pulls me back flush against his toned body, his musky breath enveloping me like fog, and he speaks. "Yes baby. You look incredible. Don't worry, you won't see anybody. You could be wearing a bin bag for all I care."

Swallowing hard, I nod and flush brightly.

Holden kisses my nose, and leads me towards a car. A flashy car. A black Aston Martin One-77!!

I only know that seeing as my boss wants one.

"Woah!" I am shocked by the car. It's a beyond expensive limited edition, and it was very shiny!

Holden chuckles. "I know. She's my baby."

I smirk. Boys and their toys!!

"Let's go." Holden opens the passenger door and helps me in. God it's low!

I strap myself in while he walks round.

I watch in amazement at his grace when he climbs in. In one smooth movement, he is sat beside me.

~*~

Our date has been wonderful. Romantic, fun and enjoyable.

We went to the mini golf course, which was shut down for the night, just for us.

We were all by ourselves, laughing at each others pathetic excuses for golf talents. We ate a simple meal, drank wine and talked.

I found out so much about Holden.

His parents are wonderful to him. They're mates and have a fantastic relationship. He has four sisters. Jade, who is 29. Freya is 26. Shianne is 21 and Hope is 19. Holden himself is 24, thus being the middle child.

Holden loves hard rock music, and going to live music gigs. He has a love for cars and rugby. He hates trackies and sports clothing, and loves animals. He also wants children in the future.

After leaving the golf course, Holden drives me back home and walks me up to my flat.

After a long passionate game of tonsil tennis, he leaves me to go inside.

What the heck is going on?

My feelings for both these men are increasing, my heart swelling to fit them both in.

I want them both, and so does my wolf.

I need advice!

I can't make a decision without knowing what the hell is going on.

I rush straight to my address book, and find the right number.

Our county Elder, the one who makes difficult decisions. He helps with pack differences and difficult situations. I know he can help me.

I dial his number into my phone, and press the call button with shaky fingers.

It rings... and rings...

It is late, I bet he's asleep or something.

"Hello, this is Frank Paulson. Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you." States the voicemail message.

I sigh and wait for the beep, explaining the situation briefly and giving him my name and number.

I hope he can help.

I slump on my sofa and place my head in my hands. "What the fuck is going on? It's not like I can have two mates!!" I moan to myself out loud.

I am becoming exasperated.

Save me!

Somebody?

I force myself up, strip out of my dress and climb into bed, forcing myself into a much needed slumber.

Goodnight world, I will deal with you tomorrow!