RAHBEEM

Look, you want me to be a guidance counselor for a supernatural sciences school, right? Why me? Yes, I have about ten years’ experience dealing with normal mortal children, but I don’t know nothing about ghostbusting or wizardry.

RAHBEEM

(Sighs)

I appreciate the job offer. But I think I’m out of my league here.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Well, permit me to ask what might sound facetious, but if you didn’t want the job as a guidance counselor for a magic school, why did you apply for one?

RAHBEEM

Truth is, I got in a little trouble some years back when both my hair and my waistline were THICK. I had an affair with my brother's wife and got her pregnant.

RAHBEEM

My brother ended up suing me for "alienation of affection" and won a $1.5 million settlement, claiming I stole his wife and humiliated him by having the whole ordeal aired on The Gregory Show.

RAHBEEM

So now, I owe this sum-mum-ma-bitch 1.5 million dollars for my overweight baby mama and my beautiful baby girl. Do I look like I got 1.5 million dollars to you? I'm sure I don't. But I better look like I'm searching for a job, or I might be doing prison time.

RAHBEEM

So, I applied for ANY job I was qualified for. I didn’t think you weirdos would actually call me.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

I see..

PROFESSOR DIAZ

(nods)

And when I called you for a job interview, you came because...?

Rahbeem uses his pinky to clean his ear.

RAHBEEM

I was hoping to catch a Quidditch game.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

That’s not a real thing.

RAHBEEM

How the hell you got burnt at the stake and you tryna tell me what is and is not real? Your burnt stake ass is not real!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

You have a temper, and you’re quick to anger! Will you attack and injure these children?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

(Rubs his chin in thought)

Would you expect extra pay for that?

RAHBEEM

Look, I'm sorry, but thinking about my financial situation gets me angry.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Well, Professor Roth, if you accept the job at this academy, I can promise I will pay you handsomely. You will be able to pay off that 1.5 million dollar debt within 5 years with the salary I'll pay you!

RAHBEEM

What? That's impossible. No one is paying a high school guidance counselor that much money!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

I will, Professor Roth. Money is no object!

Rahbeem looks at Diaz suspiciously. Diaz keeps smiling, but his eyes shift to the left, avoiding Rahbeem's gaze.

RAHBEEM

(In a comedic African accent)

You are LITERALLY a DEVIL from HELL. What do you want from me?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Nothing, Professor Roth! I want you to be a human. I need you to relate to these human children as only a human can.

RAHBEEM

Be human? You're going to help me pay off 1.5 million in debt to be Human?

Diaz sheepishly shrugs.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Well, there is a little bit more to it than that...but I have to make sure you qualify for the job first, and then I'll explain everything. For now, I just want you to learn and relate to our students.

RAHBEEM

Professor Diaz, I would love to help you there, but I can’t relate to anything anymore. Every time I turn on the TV, the news shows me a world that’s getting weirder and weirder at breakneck speed.

RAHBEEM

I can’t help you with nothing here, my dude! Nothing!

RAHBEEM

(Claps at every word)

Ya’ll-don’t-even-play-QUIDDITCH!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

There is no such thing!

Rahbeem stands up, frustrated, and goes over to Professor Diaz's window.

He shakes his head as if saying no to the thoughts coming to mind.

RAHBEEM

So this stuff is serious now, man? You telling me I gotta learn magic and demonology? I haven’t even memorized all the gender pronouns yet!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

I know it’s a lot, Professor Roth. But the truth is, the supernatural has been with you! We’ve been here the entire time. It’s just that humans are now being forced to accept this reality. You cannot avoid it any longer.

Professor Roth cringes and shakes his head at that. It’s too much, too fast. Diaz raises his hand, and a file sitting on top of a file cabinet magically flies into his palm.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Be not selfish, Professor Roth. If you think this new world is difficult for you, imagine how it is for the children. Let’s talk about them, shall we?

He opens the file.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Let’s start with Eddie Bon Moon. He, in particular, could use your help.

RAHBEEM ROTH

(Turns to face Diaz)

Eddie? That was one of the four boys, right? The students of Kaye Beltran?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Yes! And this young man is incredibly bright. He’s tested at a genius level...

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Unfortunately, his sister was killed in a car accident over the summer, and he took the death very hard. He actually had to be hospitalized for about a month after a mental breakdown.

Rahbeem looks saddened by hearing that.

Walks back to take his seat in front of Diaz’s desk.

RAHBEEM

Is he back in school yet?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Yes...

PROFESSOR DIAZ

(Exhales hard)

But we are having... uh... disciplinary problems with him now. And we’re not sure what to make of it, Professor Roth.

Rahbeem hands Diaz another puzzled look as they fizzle into another flashback.

INT. GOLDEN REDEMPTION SCHOOL OF SPIRITUAL WARFARE – DEMONOLOGY CLASS – DAY

MAXIM MACINTYRE yells angrily as the camera pans around the room. It reveals the classroom's dark wooden walls.

There are scrolls with strange symbology, printouts with Bible quotes, and posters illustrating various exorcism techniques.

Camera pans to Maxim, who's a handsome kid, but with wild blue eyes like a pit bull. Likewise, he seems to always be barking at someone, trying to get them in line.

MAXIM

-I'm sick of this B.S!

The camera pans over to a slightly overweight Catholic priest standing in front of his desk.

FATHER CREEGAN

Maxim, I'm not going to tell you again to sit down!

MAXIM

No, I won't sit down! I'll stand up and honor my country's flag! Don't tell me to sit down, tell him to get up!

He points to Eddie. Eddie is sitting, hunched over his desk, writing in his notebook.

MAXIM

A black Japanophile? But he won't stand to say the pledge of allegiance to honor his own country?

EDDIE

Kono kuni wa watashi no senzo o ichido mo sonkei shite imasen! Seikō watashi wa ikutsu ka no orokana furagu o sonchō suru tsumorida!

(Subtitle: F@#! that flag!)

MAXIM

I don't know what you just said, but I know it was un-American!

BOBBY ROCKABILLY is a brown-haired boy sitting in a seat to Maxim's side. He was trying to ignore the argument, but can't take it anymore.

BOBBY

Maxim, man, sit down and chill!

BRENT BRADLEY, another dark-haired boy sitting behind Rockabilly, kicks his leg.

BRENT BRADLY

(Growls under his breath)

Let 'em fight! We don't gotta do no work as long as they fight.

BOBBY

But...

Pencils and spitballs pelt him from the other young demon hunters, and a slap to the back of the head from Brent. Bobby is being too much of a freakin' geek.

FATHER CREEGAN

Eddie, for the last time, please stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. We've gone through this 100 times already!

EDDIE

We gon' go through this 100 more times if you insist. I don't worship no FLAG!

FATHER CREEGAN

I already told you, we are not worshiping the flag, we are just honoring it!

EDDIE

What's the difference?

Father Creegan sighs and tries to collect himself.

FATHER CREEGAN

Eddie, I'm a Catholic Priest. You think I wouldn't know if honoring our flag was wrong?

EDDIE

(Laughs)

The Bible itself says we're not supposed to worship anything but the Lord God. Worshipping that dumb flag is Idolatry.

MAXIM

Why are we tolerating this B.S.?

He turns to Eddie.

MAXIM

You're just on some "Black Lives Matter" bullshit! Whining about the very country you live in!

Anna Delgato, a Latina vampire slayer, pipes up.

ANNA

That's not what he said, Maxim. He said it's Idola--

MAXIM

--And if you're so unhappy here, the choice is easy, Eddie. Why don't you leave? Go back to Absolution Academy. Hell, go back to Africa, for all I care!

The class groans at that one.

BUCK KISSENGER smiles and starts one of his angelic songs, opening his arms to heaven like he's going full gospel.

BUCK

(Sings)

...And there he goes with that buuuullll shhhhhhiiiiiiittt--

The class laughs, all except Father Creegan, Maxim, Eddie, and Bobby.

SANOT COLE, an African American boy with light skin and coke bottle glasses, shakes his head, disappointed with Maxim.

SANOT

Hold on, white people-

Points to Maxim.

SANOT

dragged us-

Pulls his thumb towards himself.

SANOT

to this country!

Points down at the ground.

SANOT

How you gonna tell any of us to go back to Africa?

Other students, now fully infuriated, start arguing with Maxim as well.

Father Creegan sighs and leans on his desk, completely exasperated.

FATHER CREEGAN

I absolutely cannot take this anymore! Now the entire class is arguing!

FATHER CREEGAN

Eddie, I will not have you being disruptive to this class. We are a unit, soldiers of light, and if you are one of us, you will act like it!

FATHER CREEGAN

And Maxim, you are the division commander, but you are NOT the teacher! You will let me be the teacher and handle Eddie!

MAXIM

Why am I getting in trouble? This is all his fault!

FATHER CREEGAN

Ok, Maxim! But-

MAXIM

He's selfish! We're supposed to be training to be demon hunters! Basically, we're fighting a war we've already lost! The whole country has run amuck with demons, and this idiot is on some Colin Kaepernick shit!

He turns to glare at Eddie.

MAXIM

We can't even understand what he's saying half the time!

FATHER CREEGAN

Well, that's because he's speaking Japanese.

EDDIE

Hakujin no akuma wa don'na gengodeatte mo shinjitsu o rikai shimasen.

(Subtitles: you people don't understand truth no matter what language.)

MAXIM

Shut up! You see what I mean? He does it on purpose to piss us off!

He leans over Eddie's desk to growl right in his face.

MAXIM

You're a witch anyway. What are you even doing here if you hate it so much?

The class "oohs" at that.

Eddie continues doodling in his notebook, refusing to be intimidated.

EDDIE

I used to be a witch. But you're still a white devil, and you're here, so why can't I be?

Maxim leans even further, placing his hand on Eddie's desk so he can speak right into his ear.

MAXIM

You are crazy, you know that? I heard you were in a mental hospital over the summer. Did you break out? Can we send you back?

FATHER CREEGAN

MAXIM!

Eddie finally breaks his cool, his eyes cut into Maxim's as he slowly rises out of his chair.

When he finally makes it to his feet, he angrily pulls out a neon green water pistol and points it at Maxim.

EDDIE

The only thing breaking out is your face, you ole' pickle chin, DEVIL!

He pulls the trigger on the gun, and water squirts out, hitting Maxim in the face.

Eddie turns to address Father Creegan.

EDDIE

Anata wa tawagoto de ippaidesu!

(Subtitles: Ya'll full of shit!)

EDDIE

This holy water mess don't work! This cave beast is just standing there lookin' stupid!

The Bell Rings.

Maxim tries to rush for Eddie, but Brent and Bobby jump up to hold him back.

Father Creegan grabs a Bible from off his desk and pushes it into Eddie's chest.

FATHER CREEGAN

Genesis, you will learn it! You will learn about the struggles against darkness we are facing as a country TOGETHER! You will report to the confessional after school and write the entire first 5 chapters of this book, and you will not be allowed to leave until you've completed this work!

EDDIE

5 chapters? What? That'll take all night!

FATHER CREEGAN

It'll take at least 7 hours, and that's if you're a fast writer. And once you have a FULL understanding of what we are trying to do here, you WILL come back and honor the American flag! Do I make myself clear?

Eddie rolls his eyes, grumbles, and leaves the classroom. The other children start to file out.

FATHER CREEGAN

And once again, we wasted the entire lecture arguing! This is not how the soldiers of light prepare for battle!

Maxim finally stops glaring at Father Creegan as he wipes his face with a napkin.

He storms out, leaving with the last few students as they file out.

And as the last student leaves, the camera zooms in on a small white poster by the door that features "The Prayer of Saint Eads." That quote reads, "May our hearts remain united, even after the truth divides them."

1274

INT. PRINCIPAL DIAZ'S OFFICE – DAY

Rahbeem is wincing.

RAHBEEM

Both those boys sound terrifying!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

(Chuckles)

Look, neither Maxim nor Eddie are bad kids. And I know Eddie has been through a lot.

Professor Diaz shakes his head.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

When Kaye Beltran died, I took Eddie, Seth, Chris, and Richard on as my own personal apprentices. Each boy is so uniquely talented, and I used their powers to help build and guard this school.

Diaz shuts the folder.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

That's why it's their stupid ass fault the school was destroyed, and I got burnt at the stake.

RAHBEEM

Well, you just don't make good decisions. That's why I'm sitting here and you ain't got no Quidditch!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

(Smiles patiently)

That's still not real.

RAHBEEM

Look, I can talk to the little brotha, maybe try to find out where these new philosophies of his came from. But um...Hey! What happened to Teen Jesus?

Diaz visibly transitions from concern to stress.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Yes...Richard...

RAHBEEM

Did you really tell Jesus to F.U.?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

He is not "Jesus." He is a stupid boy.

RAHBEEM

Stop calling the children stupid.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Dumb? Ignoramus?

RAHBEEM

No!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

He's just...like, a golden retriever that has learned how to talk but forgotten how to listen.

RAHBEEM

Maybe so. But if you are a demon and can't deal with him, what am I supposed to do?

Professor Diaz goes into his desk and fishes out some paperwork.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Professor Roth, I am a 300-year-old vampire. I can grade papers. I can say yes or no to things. I can handle everything, but knowing what to do with a student like Richard Beltran. That is a human's specialty.

RAHBEEM

What's wrong with him?

PROFESSOR DIAZ

I told you, he's an IDIOT.

Rahbeem makes a disgusted face and shakes his head as the African accent returns.

RAHBEEM

You are a bad man to speak of the children this way!

PROFESSOR DIAZ

You'll see! He's a cute blonde puppy that causes chaos wherever he goes.

Professor Diaz looks at his watch.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Any hoo, I have to go find "Da young Messiah" and make sure he's not ditching class to kill what's left of his brain cells on drugs.

RAHBEEM

It can't be that bad.

Diaz scrunches his face up at Rahbeem as he rises and starts heading for the door.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

You can see for yourself if you'd like. And I can give you a quick tour of the school as we search for him.

Rahbeem gets up, shaking his head, chuckling.

RAHBEEM

Teen Jesus...man! That kid used to crack me up. And I tell you, whenever I'm about to do something I know is wrong, his voice is like a guiding light in my soul saying "Yo!-

He takes a thugged-out buffalo stance.

RAHBEEM

I'm too fresh for sin!

Diaz glares at him.

PROFESSOR DIAZ

Stop that!

Rahbeem "The Rebel" maintains the buffalo stance a moment longer, fully loving the feel of power he gets from it. Then he snaps out of it.

RAHBEEM

Alright, let's go.

He straightens up and heads out of the office door.

Diaz watches him, giving him a mischievous smile. This mortal will be fun.

He looks over his office one more time, sighs, and closes the door behind them.

INT. THE MAGIC SCHOOLS BOYS' BATHROOM – DAY

Richard "Vegas" Beltran, now bigger and even more confused looking at 16 years old, is hanging out with his fellow magic school delinquents.

With him is JINJY TUSKIONO, a tall Asian boy with long dreadlocks. SCOOBY and ASTRO PALADINO, the werewolves. And KEVIN MARBLES, a short, Beetlejuice-style boy who's sitting inside the bathroom sink.

Buck Kissinger from the demon hunter's school is also hanging with them. He's high as hell, smoking a joint, ever so often singing one of those angelic chants of his.

JINJY

I told you, Vegas, you just need to get between 0.23 and 0.55 spirit points to get Toad out of that God forsaken mirror!

VEGAS

(Whines)

I can't do it! It's too hard!

Astro and Scooby are currently in human form.

SCOOBY

(To Jinjy)

Yo! Pass it, bro!

Jinjy pulls out a bunch of little baggies with glowing pills and tosses one bag to Scooby.

JINJY

I'm not doing it for you, Vegas! You're going to get Toad out of that mirror yourself! He's your familiar!

In response, Vegas starts quivering, then screams, cries out, and collapses to the floor, shaking violently.

KEVIN

Told you if you didn't quit stressing him, he would fake a seizure.

Jinji kicks Vegas hard while he's on the ground.

VEGAS

OW!

ASTRO

How the hell did you get trapped in the mirror anyway, Toad?

The camera pans around, so now we're facing the large bathroom mirror. None of the boy's images are reflected; the only "person" we see in the reflective glass is TOAD DWEEZIL, a green-haired boy/demon with a joint in his mouth. He's absently playing a Nintendo Switch while leaning lazily on the glass.

TOAD

He threw me in here to chase out some kind of clown demon.

VEGAS

(Climbing up off the floor)

That thing keeps showing up in my bedroom at night! It haunts my nightmares!

TOAD

He's your agent. He said you agreed to the 65% commission.

ASTRO

65%? Is that standard nowadays?

KEVIN

(Shivers)

The agent gets 65% of your money?! I'm not even in showbiz, and I'm gonna have nightmares.

The bathroom door begins to squeak and open slowly. The boys inside panic, thinking it's a teacher. Jinjy flings the baggies of drugs into the air, and they disappear in a magical poof.

CHARLES CHEVALIER enters.

VEGAS

Charles!

He runs up excitedly to the new teen.

VEGAS

Did you get it? Did you get it?

CHARLES

Stupid! Of course, I got it! I'm the man! I can get anything!

He fishes inside his book bag and pulls out an old black leather book.

CHARLES

Look at this! And I got it fast, too, right?

He hands Vegas the giant spell book.

JINJY

What is that?

VEGAS

(Twist his lips at him)

My business, Tuskiono. That's what it is!

The Palidino brothers start sniffing the book like dogs.

SCOOBY

This book smells...

He and Astro look at each other.

SCOOBY

Positively E-VIL!

Vegas rolls his eyes and laughs.

VEGAS

Astro, Scooby, I know you guys identify as werewolves and all. But do you hear yourselves?

VEGAS

(Makes a face, mocking them)

The book smells evil, Vegas! Oooh!! You guys are scared of books? That explains your grades last semester.

JINJY

This evil-looking spell book might explain how your grades haven't gotten you kicked out of here yet.

Vegas glares at him and makes another face, mocking Jinjy.

Buck sings a heavenly chant until he starts coughing from inhaling the smoke.