I slowly peeled my eyes open. I was bewildered, wondering where I was and how I was here. But then the memory from last night flashed me.

That husky voice... Those calloused hands... Those wet lips were worshipping my whole body until all I could do was scream his name...

I froze from the realization. Not only that, in my peripheral vision, there was a bulk figure beside me, making my blood drain from my face as soon as I saw the tangle of sheets, the discarded pieces of my clothing on the floor, and him—Commander Lucretius—sleeping beside me.

My body was immobilized as I held my breath. The blood from my face drained completely.

Oh, my dear Moon Goddess! What had I done?!

I instantly got up so fast to the point that the ache between my thighs reminded me of the ecstasy night I experienced. I gripped the sheets, suddenly crossing in my mind his touch.

Shame and regret started to gnaw at my chest, feeling like I was about to pass out.

I was a royal soldier, bound by duty and honor, practicing celibacy until the day I got married to my mate, yet here I was sleeping in the same bed with a man I barely knew.

I could never redo this. My reputation... My beliefs...

I decided to take my clothes, my fingers trembling as I pulled my tunic over my head. Commander Lucretius stirred from his sleep as I halted from dressing up, afraid that I had woken him up.

When I made certain that he didn't wake up, staring intently at his handsome features, I made haste, grabbing my boots hit the floorboards with a soft thud. I didn't even care if that sound would wake him up. I just wanted to leave the place as soon as possible.

But before I could stand up, despite the pain between my legs, my heart flipped out of my ribcage when his hand caught my wrist, shivers running down my spine. As I turned, I softly gasped upon seeing his awakened state, looking so stunning even though he had just woken up.

"Leaving me already, my little soldier?" he asked in a groggy tone.

I hastily yanked my hand away when I felt myself weakened from his touch.

"T-This was a mistake. I-I have to go."

And then I stormed, not waiting for him to say anything. I ignored the pain I felt and ran as fast as I could. My heart was pounding so fast, sprinting more as if that could help me forget the memory of his hands, his voice, the way he made me feel, and the way he pleased me.

This was wrong. I knew this was wrong.

May the Moon Goddess forgive me. I didn't mean to...

I returned to the Starry Shadows Pack, full of guilt and misery from the mistaken night. I couldn't believe that I let myself succumb to another man's touch when Redmund couldn't even do that to me.

"Gamma Euphyllia, I haven't seen you since yesterday. Where have you been?"

I was startled when I came to meet Devika, one of the eldest people here in our pack, as I was on my way to the infirmary. I quickly composed myself and bowed before her. "Madam Devika, greetings." I simply gripped the hem of my tunic. "I have been out to visit a friend that's why I wasn't here," I replied to her question.

I must act like everything was alright since yesterday, even though I had spiral events that until now, I was still processing. I wanted to cry now, but I had a business I need to do in the infirmary before I returned to the pack house.

"I see." Devika nodded and slightly tilted her head. "You look exhausted. You should take some rest."

"I will." Nodding, I watched her leave before I proceeded to the infirmary. I fluttered my eyelids. I wanted to take a bath, too, and remove what had loitered in my body. As soon as I arrived at my destination, I didn't waste any time and approached Doctor Kairos, our pack doctor.

"Oh, Gamma, how may I help you?" he asked, greeting me with a warm smile.

His fatherly tone and gentle question almost broke me. "I am in need of a potion of fertility control, Doctor Kairos."

He was about to write something that was on his clipboard, but halted in mid-air, his eyes looked surprised at my request. "Oh..."

I held my breath. I knew that reaction.

I knew why he was surprised. A royal soldier like me, who was devoted to celibacy before marriage, had come to ask our pack doctor for some fertility control. Not only that, no one knew that I had already met my mate, except for Lilith.

Suddenly thinking of my best friend made my stomach churn upside down.

"Alright," Doctor Kairos said with a smile.

I almost melted from the tension, but I was able to fix myself. "And I need some medicine for a hangover, too," I added, trying to calm myself down.

Don't panic, Euphyllia. Don't panic.

I waited if Doctor Kairos would question the things I asked for, but he just nodded and went to the medicine cabinet. "Grab some breakfast after you take these. Alright?" His lips curved into a gentle smile. "And take a rest and get a lukewarm bath."

The heat on my cheeks highlighted as I took them and nodded. It looked like he knew what I had up to. Or so I thought.

"T-Thank you," I muttered before I scurried out of the infirmary, not even daring to look back at anyone I knew.

I locked myself up in my room as soon as I arrived at the pack house and hastily took the potion for hangover that Doctor Kairos prescribed. And lastly, I stared at the vial of the fertility control in my hand.

I might have been inexperienced when it came to sexual intercourse, but I knew how to prevent pregnancy. I pressed my thighs together, feeling the mixed essence of mine and his. So, I knew that there was a probability I could get pregnant, and only the fertility control would prevent that.

This was a precaution. I nodded to my own thought.

As I drank it, the image of Commander Lucretius's sinful body came to my mind. I shut my eyes and slapped my face, punishing myself before going for a bath.

I scrubbed myself thoroughly to remove his scent that lingered on me. I felt dirty from doing it to another man. I couldn't believe that because of how drunk I was, I had become bolder and challenged a royal commander not in a sparring but in bed.

I could never forgive myself. I could never face Commander Lucretius ever again.

I could never face Redmund, too...

But the mere thought of my mate was enough to make my blood boil. The way he and Lilith betrayed me behind my back felt like something awakened inside me.

Tears cascaded down my cheeks. I couldn't believe that they would do this to me.

"Redmund... Why?" I cried out his name while washing myself.

I had done everything for him to help him become a captain six months ago, while our relationship had to be hidden, yet he would betray me like this. He had used me for his own benefit and never wanted me in the first place.

Now, I could understand that he only harbored power, the same pattern I experienced in my past lives. Sooner or later, he would discard me once he raised another of a higher rank.

As for my best friend, Lilith, I had trusted her. To think that she also harbored feelings for my mate, when Redmund wasn't her mate. I thought that we would grow old having our mates by our side as we promised, but why did she do this to me?

I looked at myself in the mirror that was hanging in the bathroom. I stared at my miserable self, observing my facial structure.

My eyes held a gray hue that shimmered with silver whenever sunlight touched them, a protruding nose, red, rosy lips, and a good, proportional face. In our pack, I was counted among the most beautiful, alongside Lilith. I was also a smart one and had an understanding of military tactical doctrine, even though I was just a tactical keeper.

What was wrong with me that Redmund couldn't be so proud of me to announce to the world about our relationship?

What did Lilith have that I didn't have that he'd rather be intimate with her than me?

Was it because I was in a low military rank position and wasn't one of the privates? Because my role wasn't combat-focused?

Was that it?

If that was it, Redmund should know that even if I didn't carry much in battlefield respect, in considering the difference of Lilith and my rank, my rank was above hers.

We were in the same rank in the pack, too. How come she was noticed while I had to beg him to spend some time with me?

What was I lacking? What else did Redmund want?

Or perhaps, was it because I couldn't give myself to him? That he had been trying to ask me to we should do the mating ritual without marking each other, but I just refused him.

I wanted to confront them, but I was too cowardly to do it, so I chose to turn my back instead. It was hard to digest what I saw, and I even had to pinch myself to see if I was having a nightmare, but the reality slapped me really hard.

I bit my lower lip so hard that I felt the tangy taste of metallic liquid in my tongue. I even had to wipe my tears that won't stop falling until my eyes focused on the loofah.

Commander Lucretius crossed in my mind, and our rendezvous night of ecstasy. Even though the alcohol influenced me, I could vividly remember what we did. I remember deciding that I wanted to forget.

Rage filled my blood from the realization. Perhaps, sleeping with Commander Lucretius wasn't so bad at all. If Redmund would betray me, then I could do the same thing to him. He wasn't the only one who could be another person who wasn't even their mate.

This might be a retaliation for the betrayal I witnessed, yet it felt so wrong and right at the same time. Perhaps, I must thank Commander Lucretius, but a simpleton like me would be hardly noticed by him.

"What do I do now?" I asked myself, feeling empty and exhausted from everything. 

It felt like I lost everything I had since yesterday. There were so many things that happened yesterday that I had a hard time processing.

Not only that, I still had mysteries I wanted to resolve.

My past lives...

The reality of reincarnation... 

I wanted to know why I had memories of them. Why did it trigger as soon as I saw the betrayal of my mate and my best friend? Why did I experience the same pain even in my past lives? 

Was the Moon Goddess trying to send me a message? Could this be a blessing or a curse? 

"Ah!" I screamed in agony as my face was buried in my pillow. "What should I do now, Moon Goddess?" My voice muffled, drowning in my own misery.

The next morning, I busied myself by doing my duties as the Gamma in the training ground. I was greeted by the sound of steel clashing, and warriors sparring filled the air while others were preparing for the training by rock climbing. Then, I helped to adjust the strap of the harness of one of my fellow pack warriors and taught them how to do it better.

Since I was still on my vacation and couldn't decide what I was going to do for the next few days, I had decided to help with the training. Not only that, but this was to distract me.

It was hard to forget about what I witnessed with Redmund and Lilith. Until now, I still felt the bitterness gnawing inside me, including how I slept with Commander Lucretius.

In my peripheral vision, Alpha Derrick stood near the training grounds, his arms folded as he observed the warriors' progress. His presence was calm yet commanding. He was one of the people I respected the most.

If it weren't for him approving some of the women here to join the royal military, I wouldn't be in this position. He also admired Commander Rachelle Simon for her bravery, which led him to finally promote a few of the women to be Gammas as well.

When I approached him, he turned to me, his sharp eyes softening with recognition. "Greetings, Alpha," I greeted with a bow.

"Euphyllia." He nodded, acknowledging me.

"What brings you here, Alpha?" I asked politely. As far as I know, he was handling some business in town with our Beta.

Not to judge why he came here to the training ground, but I had a feeling that he wouldn't come here for a reason. I noticed that Beta Rocco wasn't with him. Perhaps, he had an errand to do that made Alpha come here.

He studied me for a moment before speaking. "Two matters. First, patrols found fresh rogue tracks near the eastern ridge. I'd like your assessment. You've always had a keen eye for these things."

I straightened, feeling honored at what he said. "I'll look into it immediately. If they're close, we can't risk them circling back."

I knew that I was feeling down lately, but with Alpha Derrick asking for insight, I felt energized and was quick to make a response. Being a tactical keeper was such a good investment.

Alpha Derrick nodded, satisfied with my answer, but then his expression changed. This time, it looked heavier and cautious. "The second matter is... less simple." He fished out of his breast pocket and pulled out a sealed letter. When he bestowed it on me, my breath caught in my throat upon seeing the stamped with the crimson insignia of the royal military. "This arrived by messenger hawk this morning. It's addressed to you."

Staring at it, my heart was pounding so fast. I was in the middle of my vacation leave, and the fact that I was receiving a letter from the royal military, could this mean that something had happened?

I paused, not wanting to jump to a conclusion, touching the parchment before breaking the seal quickly.

'To all enlisted soldiers under the Royal Military Order:

You are hereby summoned back to the capital at once. Your leave is suspended. Attendance is mandatory.'

My throat tightened. I knew it. A sudden summon meant only one thing... There could be a war. Or perhaps, worse.

Was the issue about the rogue faction that had been causing these past few months as to why we were summoned back?

I folded the letter slowly, trying my best to keep my composure as I met Alpha Derrick's gaze.

I coerced a smile. "I am being summoned back to the royal military as soon as possible, Alpha," I told him the truth. "I might have to leave tomorrow."

With this kind of summoning letter, leaving tomorrow was the best solution.

He nodded. "I understand. And I always support the path you chose, Euphyllia," he said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Go and make our pack proud."

My chest tightened at his words. I could also feel my eyes getting misty. Alpha Derrick was always supportive of women pursuing different paths, not just staying at home and doing chores. Because he also supported our Luna, Olivia, who had established her own business. He wasn't feeling ashamed about it. That was why my pack members and I love our beloved Alpha and Luna of the Starry Shadows Pack.

I tucked the letter into my satchel and squared up. "I'll handle the rogues at the northern ridge before I leave, Alpha," I promised. "I owe my pack that much."

Alpha Derrick gave a small, approving nod as a small smile plastered on his lips. "Spoken like a true Gamma right there."

I inclined my head before him as a sign of respect for him, even though something was bothering me about the events for today.

Why did it feel like I had lived this before? Why did it feel like they didn't look new to me, but nuisance?

Perhaps, I really should tend to it for closure... Or that was the thing I should call it.

That night, I had prepared myself for the mission Alpha Derrick entrusted to me. I strapped on my gear, tying my hair back as I went to the northern border for the ridge patrol. The memory of Redmund's lips on Lilith's crossed in my mind, and my wolf howled in pain, but I forced it down to forget.

Duty came first, Euphyllia. We must not let this betrayal be a burden!

I dispatched two pack warriors to scout the northern forest. "Circle wide and flank from opposite ends. If you sense anything unusual, don't engage. Report back. Understand?"

They nodded. "Yes, Gamma Euphyllia." With that, they disappeared into the shadows.

I heaved out a sigh, feeling a little better that I got to execute being a gamma here. My fellow Gammas weren't here as they had their own function. I was the only one available at the moment, as to why Alpha Derrick asked me to take care of it.

Minutes passed, and the faint hoot of the owls and the soft breeze from the forest became the music to our ears. I was alerted by our border guards when someone was approaching, and my guy twisted upon seeing only one scout, who was in his wolf form, emerge from the treeline, breathing heavily when he returned to his human form.

Alone.

"Where is Rivan, Ives?" I demanded, maintaining my calm and composure.

Back in my training days as both a Gamma-in-the-making and a soldier of the royal military before choosing the path as a tactical keeper, one lesson was drilled into us above all. It was to maintain composure, understand the situation, and assess it carefully.

Ives shook his head, panic registering in his eyes. "H-He never made it to the checkpoint, Gamma. We separated at the ride, but... but I didn't hear a fight. I-It was like he vanished."

I cussed under my breath. "Stay here." I tapped his shoulder. "If I don't return in thirty minutes, alert Alpha Derrick immediately," I commanded. "That's an order, Ives," I emphasized and glared at him when he was about to protest.

I transformed into my wolf form, my bones starting to crack with no hint of pain as my four paws hit the ground. I reclined my head so my snout could smell the scent of my fellow pack member before I began running through the forest.

As I evaded the trees, the moonlight became my guide as I looked up, seeing how it was shining beautifully. And it was like it was leading me to where my fellow pack warrior was.

That was how I found Rivan leaning against a tree trunk, not far from the ridge. My heart dropped as I rushed to him. "Rivan!" I immediately placed my hand on his wrist, pressing the pulse while my other hand was on his nose to feel the breathing.

"He's unconscious," I mumbled under my breath, sighing in relief. "Thank the Moon Goddess. He's alright."

Then, I checked if he had any signs of wounds or struggle because I found it suspicious. But then, I came to see a familiar rich pink petals, realizing it was a chrysanthemum peeking at his breast pocket.

As I gently pulled, my brows furrowed upon seeing a small rolled parchment tied in the stem. My pulsation hammered as I unfolded.

For one second, I held my breath as I read the words written beautifully.

'It's good that I finally caught your attention. You're even more beautiful up close than only watch you from afar, Lady Euphyllia. But don't worry. I'm a patient person. I'll wait till you're prepared to meet me. And until then, I'll be watching.'

A chill rushed down my spine, making me freeze in my tracks. "What... What the hell is this?" I muttered in disbelief.

"I shall take my leave, Alpha, Beta," I bid farewell to the two most important people in my pack as I mounted in a carriage.

They both nodded. "Make our pack proud, Euphyllia." Those were Beta Rocco's words before the carriage set out on a departure.

Sighing, I stayed quiet for a long moment, leaning on my seat before closing my eyes, feeling a little exhausted.

The summons from the royal military should have been the only thing on my mind right now as I packed at dawn, but that one single letter was enough to make me feel restless throughout the whole night.

I had read it once, and once was enough. However, those words were etched on my mind and kept replaying like a broken record.

'It's good that I finally caught your attention. You're even more beautiful up close than only watch you from afar, Lady Euphyllia. But don't worry. I'm a patient person. I'll wait till you're prepared to meet me. And until then, I'll be watching.'

That parchment was resting in the pocket of my uniform jacket as if it had every right to be there against my chest.

No seal. No signature. Only those words, beautifully carved with steady strokes if whoever the gentleman who had written this had spent a lot of effort to make his action impressive to his lady.

Shivers coursed through my body. I knew that I should have thrown this letter when I got home, but I couldn't bring myself to. And I didn't know whether I should feel flattered, threatened, or both.

Was this supposed to be how admiration should go? Or was this an art of stalking?

It was hard to decipher the intention of the person who was the culprit of this letter. But one thing I could decipher was that he spent a lot of effort to trigger Alpha Derrick's uncanny ability to sense intruders near the pack's borders, which was a normal ability for every Alpha. Not only that, having Ives' unconscious just to send the letter was extremely foolish.

I slowly peeled my eyes open, scrutinizing the single chrysanthemum in my hand that until now, I was still holding onto it.

This flower was my favorite of them all. How did that person know about it?

The fact that the person knew about such a small fact that this was my favorite had made me uncomfortable.

My pulse quickened just by the thought of it. Even my hands were going clammy and quivering from what was happening.

Was there an admirer that I didn't know about? Then, who could that be?

Could it be... Redmund? Impossible! Never once had I seen Redmund spend such effort to make a letter.

He would be cautious in being intimate with me. He would never do such a thing as give me any material things that would be suspicious about our relationship.

With that realization, I mindlessly clenched my hand with the chrysanthemum inside my palm. I almost dropped it as I snapped back to reality, looking to my left and right as if frightened that someone might have been watching me for longer than I could imagine.

I was already too late to realize what I had done and flinched as my emotions blinded me just by thinking about how I became a fool towards Redmund.

And now that I would be returning to the royal military headquarters, I would cross paths with Redmund and Lilith.

Just thinking about meeting them again after a few days that I was in my vacation leave was enough to make my heart ache because of their betrayal.

How would I suppose to act fine when I get to see them? Pretend the wound in my chest didn't exist? Or confront Redmund and ask him what his plan is for us, or would there be any plan, and I was just hoping for empty promises?

I must polish what I should do next before facing them. Even though my heart was bleeding, I must apply being a tactical keeper.

I must not let them be a winner in this...

I bit my lower lip as my vision blurred from my tears falling. I gently wiped them away, telling myself to stop shedding tears for those people who had hurt me.

But why was it so hard? They were the people I loved the most.

There was no way that I could be able to show that I was alright.

Those were my thoughts even until I arrived at the camp. With a heavy heart, I reported to my senior, Marlin.

"Sorry for the short notice, Euphyllia," Marlin said when I entered his study. "I know your vacation leave was cut short."

I shook my head. "I don't really mind," I answered politely, clenching and unclenching my hand because Redmund suddenly popped up in my mind for no reason. My heart began to ache again because of it. "I know that this is an emergency, so military first before anything."

My boots echoed in the corridor as I left Marlin's study room. I thanked myself that I didn't break down in front of my senior, or else, I would have had a hard time explaining what had been aching in me lately.

It was my heart. Not physically, but emotionally.

As I turned the corner, I halted when I came to heard some giggles in the corridor and I spotted the people my heart had been aching right now.

Lilith... Redmund...

I held my breath upon seeing them standing close together. The one I heard giggling softly was no other than Lilith, her hand brushing Redmund's sleeves, while on the other hand, Redmund was whispering something in her ear as if there was something funny.

I clenched my hand from the sight I was seeing right now. I wasn't prepared to see them, yet the Moon Goddess would always find a way to mess up with me.

My heels were about to spin when Lilith noticed me. "Euphie!"

My nickname that escaped from her lips was cutting my heart into shreds.

I pursed my lips into a thin line, unable to come up with a word. But my eyes lingered on Redmund, and my wolf felt heartbroken when his expression shifted with unease. But he didn't even distance himself from Lilith.

I swallowed the lump that was barricading my throat. "Lilith." I nodded, coercing a smile at her before turning to Redmund. I raised my hand to salute him. "Captain Redmund, greetings."

Redmund licked his lips, hiding the quivering of his lips before nodding. "Greetings..." he paused.

I secretly gnashed my teeth, silently hoping that he would at least mention my name to Lilith.

But he didn't.

"Ruinart, sir. Euphyllia Ruinart."

Please, Redmund. If you care about me, at least mention my first name...

"Oh..." Redmund sounded like he had just met me. "Greetings, Ruinart."

Ah. This hurts so much. I just wanted him to at least acknowledge my first name whenever we were alone together, but he couldn't. As always.

I had the sudden urge to run away. But my feet were nailed to the ground.

"I-I didn't mean to intrude, you two." Then, I exchanged my gaze with them. But my eyes instantly lowered to the ground when they were getting misty. "M-My apologies. There's something I should do right now."

I made an excuse to leave. I couldn't last long to stay with them. I felt like I was about to pass out.

"Let's catch up later, Euphie!" Lilith shouted across the corridor when I was walking away from them.

Her voice chased after me, but I quickened my steps until I reached my quarters. As soon as the door closed behind me, my shoulders slumped, and my forehead pressed against the wooden door, trying so hard to breathe.

A sob escaped from my lips when Lilith's giggle, Redmund's silence, the way he didn't even acknowledge me as a lover or a friend, but as a freaking subordinate!

"Ruinart, sir. Euphyllia Ruinart."

I recalled my words as if I were a new soldier, introducing myself to my new senior. I hated that I had awakened from my deep slumber and still wanted him to acknowledge me, just by calling me by my first name.

"Redmund... Am I not really the mate you wanted?" I sobbed in a whisper, coming up to a painful conclusion.

Dragging myself to the bed, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at the wall for a moment until my peripheral vision caught a white flower on my table.

It was a chrysanthemum!

My stomach dropped. I remembered that there was nothing on my table when I left to report to my senior. I knew it.

I knew all of my things and how neatly I was in arranging them. And if this was the same chrysanthemum from last night, it was deemed impossible because I accidentally crushed it with my bare hand earlier in the trip.

"Don't tell me..." I gulped, my hands trembling when I reached out to it.

My heart froze when I saw another small letter that had been rolled and tied to the stem. Again.

I gulped, my lips feeling dry as I unfolded it.

'It must have hurt watching them. You don't need to hide that from me, Lady Euphyllia. I see you. I always do. One day, you will see me, too. Until then, remember... you are not alone. I will be here, watching.'

I nearly dropped the note. My hands were clammy, my heart hammering. Whoever this was... not only had they entered my quarters, but they knew exactly what I had gone through mere moments ago.

This wasn't a coincidence. This was someone following me. Studying me.

This was the behavior of a potential stalker!

Fear and fury mingled in my chest. Who was this person? How long had he been this close?

Oh, dear Moon Goddess, please help me!

First, I had to be hurt seeing Redmund and Lilith together.

Second, I had to worry about meeting cross paths with Commander Lucretius.

And lastly, this. A stalker I never knew about, and just appeared recently.

I had so many things on my plate now. Could I be able to survive being in the royal military?