John smiled wryly. “Don’t sound so shocked, I’ve wanted you since the first moment i saw you today, not to mention for years while growing up.” 

 Joy blushed furiously, shocked, yet secretly elated to discover that the feelings which had so blindsided her today had been returned for so long.

 “But don’t start thinking that I’m doing this just because of that, because I’m not.” Even as the denial left his mouth, John suspected he was morally skating on thin ice here. If what he was saying was strictly true, then why no just do what she suggested, go to this clinic and give them a sperm sample?

 The truth was he did want to have sex with her. At the same time, he did also believe that normal intercourse was the best chance Joy had for falling pregnant. Clearly, coldly clinical method hasn’t worked. She needed to relax, to enjoy herself.

 John decided to be bluntly honest with her. “Not that I won’t enjoy having sex with you,” he admitted . “But that’s not the only reason I’m suggesting we actually sleep with each other. It’s because i think you’re more likely to fall pregnant that way. Which is what you want, isn’t it? To have a baby?”

 John’s saying the word “baby” dragged Joy back to the present. She’d been off in another world ever since he’d confessed to wanting to have sex with her since they were teenagers. “What? Oh yes, yes, , that’s what I want,” she said. “A baby.”

  “So what do you say, Joy?”

  “I don’t know what…….” The idea of actually sleeping with John made her head spin.

  He sighed. “What don’t you know?”

  “Look, I can understand that my suggestion has come as a bit of a shock to you, so why don’t we go somewhere for coffee and talk about it rationally?

  “I dont think I’m capable of being rational about this. You’ve totally blown me away. I have to think about this on my own.”

  John nodded. He wanted her to say yes with a depth of desire which shocked him; something in him was demanding that he and only him should give Joy the baby she so desperately wanted. How ever, much as he hated it, she needed time.

  “I’ll take you home.”

  Joy sighed. The idea of going home and facing her mother while she was trying to decide something so huge didn’t appeal either.

  “How about we drive to Erina Fair and see a movie ? You can pick something you’ll like, some macho action flicks with lots of car chases and killings. You can get all involved in that whilst i sit in the dark and think.

  He laughed, “ You are such a sexist Joy. I happen to like a wide range of movies, not just macho action flicks as you put it.”

  “Oh sure,” she said in droll tones.

  “I’ll prove it to you.”

  He surprised her by choosing a romantic comedy, one of those friends into lovers plots which had become popular lately. Joy might have enjoyed it if there hadn’t been so many sex scene, all of which were extremely raunchy. Clothes were stripped off at regular intervals as two friends had wildly uninvited sex in every conceivable place and position: on the floor. On the sofa. In a lift. Even in a meadow. The ending annoyed her as well it was pure Hollywood fiction where the protagonist feel in love and lived happily ever after. As if that ever happened.

  “Is that what you’re afraid of?” John said as they left the theatre. “That if we have sex you might fall in love with me?”

  Laughter spluttered from Joy’s lips before she could smother it.

  “Right,” he said drily. “Obviously,?that’s not what you’re afraid of.”

  No, she said. Her feats had nothing to do with love. She stopped walking to turn and look up at him with thoughtful eyes.”

  Suddenly, she couldn’t do it.

  “No, John,” she said, and pulled her arm away from him.

  “No what?”

  “No, I’ve decided not to accept your offer. Thank you for making it; it was amazing generous of you. But it’s just not going to work for me. Please don’t argue with me about this or tell me I’m being irrational. Because if you do I know I’m going to burst into tears again.” Which was true. Her emotions, already fragile, were in danger of embarrassing her once more.  

  She couldn’t tell what john was thinking. He face had always been hard to read.

  “I see,” was all he said. “Well, it’s your life, Joy. You do what you think best.”

  “Thank you,” she said, struggling to keep the tears in check. No point in going for coffee then, is there?” He said brusquely. “I’ll take you home.”

  Joy’s mother was still up watching television when she let herself into the house. Her mother glanced at the cock on the wall . It was only just after nine.

  The same thought kept Joy awake long after she climbed into bed. She tossed and turned, her mind torturing herself with the horrible “what if? “ what if she didn’t fall pregnant next month? What then? Would she keep on trying or resort to more complicated and expensive procedures live IVF? How long could she keep doing this before she went stank, raving mad?

  The man himself was thinking along those same lines as he stood at his bedroom window, staring down at Joy’s house as he’d done so many times when he’d been a boy,

  Okay, so his offering to be her sperm donor had begun as a gesture of kindness, but it had quickly changed to one driven by his male hormones. He wanted her, naked and wiling in his arms. He made his way downstairs where everything was quiet; his parent had gone to bed some time ago. Switching on the kitchen light, he went to the drawer where his mother kept an assortment of Biros, writhing pad, and different size of envelopes. Selecting what he wanted, he returned to his room, switched on his bedroom lamp and sat down to right. It took him several attempts before he got the wording just right but eventually he was satisfied.

  Dear Joy.

  By the time you read this I will have left. Not Australia l, as my family believes. I have an apartment in Darwin where I go every winter for a weeks rest and recreation. This time, how ever, i intend to stay longer, though please keep this information confidential. Joy, I presume you are determined to keep trying for a baby by your anonymous donor. And that’s your right. But if it’s not successful, I wish you to know that my offer is still open. I can’t promise you romance but I do promise you what i think you need very badly. Here are my mobile and satellite phone numbers so that you can contact me no matter where i am.

  Your friend always, John.

  He added the numbers then slipped the note into an envelope and wrote Joy’s name on the front, having already to drop the later into her mailbox tomorrow whilst she was at work. By the time she got home he would be long gone.  

  Then it would be up to her. 

Exactly one month and one day later. 

  It hadn’t worked. Again.

  Despair clutched at Joy’s already cramping stomach as she hunched over the toilet seat. There had to be something wrong with her. Because it didn’t make sense. The clinic had tried a different procedure this time, putting the sperm right into her womb instead of just on the cervix. It was a more expensive procedure but wasn’t supposed to give her a better chance of conceiving.

  A total waste of money as it turned out.

  She dreaded telling her mother. Yet, she would have to. Joy wished now that she hadn’t confined her plan in the first place. She should have just gone to the clinic on her own, in secret. That way, she could have handled her disappointment in private, without the added pain of watching her mother’s disappointment. Her mum sometimes pretended that she didn’t mind not having grandchildren but Joy knew that wasn’t the case. She’d often said how she’d wanted to have a bigger family herself.

  Joy frowned at this last thought. If her mother had wanted more than one child, then why hadn’t she had some more? Joy’s Dad hadn’t died till she was mine. Joy sucked in sharply at the possibility that her mother had been unable to conceive more babies. But if that were so, then why hadn’t she mentioned it to her? It might be an important clue over why she was having such trouble conceiving herself.

  Not that she could go out and ask her right now. They were both at the salon, working. Wednesday was always a busy day. It would be impossible to question her till they were on the way home late this afternoon.

  Her mom knew, the moment she saw Joy’s pasty face and dull eyes, that her period had arrived. The poor darling, she thought sadly as she watched her daughter put on a smiling face for a client.

  “You know, don’t you, mum?” Joy said the moment they were alone in the car on the way home. She’d seen the sympathy in her mother’s eyes when she’d come out of the powder room a couple of hours earlier. The sympathy and the sadness.

  “Yes,” was all her mother could bring herself to say. She was close to tears. Not for herself but for her daughter.

  “Mum,” I’ve been thinking, was there any physical reason why you didn’t have more children?”

 Her mom swallowed. She’d been expecting this question for ages.

  “Not that I know of,” she answered truthfully. “I was thoroughly checked out, the same way you’ve been. One doctor said stress and tension can sometimes be the problem.”

  “Yes, I’ve read about that,” Joy said. “That’s why couples sometimes fall pregnant after they’ve adopted a child.”

 “Your father and I were going to foot a child,” her mom confessed. “But then he was…” she broke off, unable to continue.

 “Oh, mum. I’m sorry. I know how much you loved Dad.”

  After her dad funeral she’d listened to her mother cry at night for months. It never surprised Joy that her mother hadn’t ever dated again or remarried. She’d been a one man woman.

  Joy knew she’d never find that one true love like her mother had. But she was going to become a mother, come he’ll or high water. All afternoon, she’d been thinking about the latter John left for her a month ago. When she’d first read it, she’d been incredibly touched, especially with his intuitive observation about her fragile nervous state. She’d almost changed her mind about going back to the clinic and rung him straight away. But, in the end, she simply hadn’t had the courage to take what would have not to involve other people, and to not face the problem of actually having sex with john. Joy understood that sex for men was not the big deal it could be for women. For her, anyway. She’d become more edgy about it as she’d got older. Less confident. More nervous.

 But the time for being nervous Nelly was long gone. If she didn’t take john up on his offer she would always regret it.

  Of course, he might have changed his mind by now. God, she hoped not!

  Well, if he had, she’d just have to persuade him otherwise, Joy vowed with renewed resolve. If he waffled, she’d remind him now how much he’d always wanted to have sex with her!

  Joy might have been shocked at herself if she hadn’t been so fired up.

  “Mum, I think that i might go away for a while. On a holiday.”

  “Oh? Where to?”

  “Somewhere warm. In Australia, of course. I don’t want to go overseas.”

  “Carina is nice at this time of the year,” her mother suggested.

  “I was thinking of Darwin. I’ve never been there . And I’ve always wanted to see kakadu.” A total untruth . Joy had seen one or two documentaries about the Northern Territory and was not at all interested in vast wetlands filled with biting insects, wild buffalo and crocodiles.

  “Really?” Her mother said,sounding surprised.

  “I could go on some organized tours. That way I’d have company. You could manage. I managed when you left to be an Estate Agent, didn’t I? When were you thinking of going?”

  “Not sure yet. Possibly the end of next week.” Joy knew exactly when she would ovulate. She’d been charting her cycle for months. Two weeks after her period started was beginning of her peak days for conceiving. No point in going to Darwin much before then. At the same time, she’d to make it seem like she was going on a real holiday. She could hardly just go for a few days.

  “For how long?”

  “I’m. A week or so, maybe ten days.” She added for good measure.

  “So you won’t be going to the clinic for another procedure next month?”

  “No, mum. I’ve decided to have a break from that for a while.”

  As soon as they arrived home, Joy made the excuse that she needed to lie down for a while. When her mother offered to make her a cup of tea, she declined, saying she was going to take some painkillers and have a short nap before dinner. Fortunately, it was her mother’s turn to cook.

  Also, fortunately, Joy’s bedroom was at the back of the house, some way from the kitchen. Once her mother turned on the television, she would not hear Joy talking on the phone.

  Joy’s hands were literally shaking as she drew John’s letter out of the bedside drawer where she’d kept it over a month ago. He’d given her two numbers, one for a regular mobile, one for a satellite phone. She say on the side of her bed and tried the mobile number first. It rang, thank heavens. She would have hated for it to be engage. As it was, she’d skyway worked herself up into a right side.

  “For pity’s sake, John answer the damned thing.” She muttered under her breath after it had rung several times.

  But he didn’t, and the phone eventually switched to his message bank. A despairing Joy didn’t leave any message, choosing instead to try the satellite phone first. She actually prayed as she punched in the numbers  

John was putting a few more pieces of wood on the camp fire when he heard the distinctive ring of his satellite phone. 

  Frowning, he crawled into his one man tent, picked up the phone and carried it back out into the moonlight, where he stared at it briefly before sweeping the phone up to his ear.

  “Hello, Joy,” he answered, trying to sound cool when inside he was anything but.

  “How did you know it was me?” She asked, clearly taken aback.

  “The caller ID said you were from New South Wales,” he explained. You’re the only person in that state who has my satellite number.”

  “Oh. I see.”

  John suddenly had the most appalling thought. What if she was ringing to tell him she was finally pregnant? It was possible, he supposed.

  “Why are you ringing, Joy?” He asked abruptly.

  Joy’s heart sank at his brusque tone.

  “You’ve changed your mind about your offer, haven’t you?” She said.

  The tension in John’s gut immediately melted away.

  “Not at all,” he replied.

  “Really?”she gasped, renewed hope flooding her hear.

  “Yes, really. So what happened, Joy? Given the time lapses since we last spoke, I presume you went back to the clinic for another go and it didn’t work.”

  “I got my period today,” she confessed with a sigh.

  “Like i said in my letter, my offer is open.”

  “I know i shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, John, but i still can’t work out why you’re doing this for me. Aside from the sex angle, that is. Which i also still can’t fathom. I mean, if you always fancied me, then why didn’t you do something about it before this?”

  They were logical questions, John accepted. He was wished he had some logical answers for her. He had to tell her something, he supposed, something which would satisfy her intelligence. Joy was no dummy.

  “Can i be blunt with you?” He said.

  “Please do.”

  “I didn’t do anything before this because I thought you would just knock me back,” he said, not untruthfully. “Until we met again last month and I realized that the attraction wax mutual. However,contrary to your belief, I also like you a lot, Joy, and i want to help you get what you obviously want very much which is a baby. And, as strange as it seems, I also quite like the idea of having a child of my own, in my bed, for a good deal longer than you spend at that wretched clinic each month.”

  Joy’s silence at the other end of the line indicated a degree of shock. Or deep thoughtfulness. John suspected the former. He had gone overboard a bit in his attempt to focus on the sex angle. But he didn’t want her questioning him further over his motives. He didn’t understand them fully himself! All he knew was that his blood was racing through his body with a surge of entirely male, powerful satisfactions at her agreement. For a short time, Joy was going to be his.

  “Come now, Joy, you must know how very desirable you are.”

  Now Joy felt hot all over. A shiver ran down her spine at the realization she might shortly find out just how desirable he thought she was.

  “I hope your silence doesn’t mean you’ve changed your mind about this?” He said, his voice sounding curiously expressionless.

  “No,@ she chocked out, still blushing at her earlier train of thought. Thank heavens they weren’t face toy face!

  “Good.” His voice relaxed again. “When can you get yourself up here?”

  Joy swallowed, then sat up straighter l. She’d always been more comfortable following a plan.

  “I thought as soon as possible,” she said briskly.

  “How about the beginning of next week?”

  “Well, I have to get stuff organized at work…”

  He rode over her objections. I’m sure you can sort it. Once you’ve booked your flight next week, text me your time of arrival and I’ll be at the airport waiting for you.” He sounded equally brisk, and it was so difficult as ever to guess what he was feeling. “Don’t send the text to this number l. Send it to my mobile. I’ll be back in Darwin by then.”

  Scarlet rolled her eyes in exasperation. Why was it then men wouldn’t listen? “Where are you, anyway?”she asked.

  “Camping out in one of the national parks.”

  Joy had been doing some mental calculations.

  “Wait, next week is way too early. I can’t possibly fall pregnant till a week after that. I never ovulate before day fourteen on my cycle. I know this for a fact because I’ve been taking my temperature every day for the last year and….”

  “Joy,” he interrupted. “If you want to get pregnant then let’s try this my way.”

  Truly, he could be as irritating a man as he’d been an irritating boy! “Which is?” She snapped.

  “Not taking your temperature every day, for starters. Not caring about when you bloody ovulate either. Because, let’s face it, that method hasn’t been working too well for you up till now, had it?”

  “I guess not,” she admitted grudgingly.

  “I suggest you leave this whole operation up to me. Put yourself entirely in my hands. No arguments, no more buts.”

  “Yes,” she bit out.

  “Good,” he said, smiling wryly to himself at the thought that “yes” wasn’t a word Joy was used to saying. But she was going to say it. No, he would make her want to say it. For that was what he craved all of a sudden. Not just Joy’s compliance but her complete surrender.

  The idea perturbed him. He’d never been into that kind of thing. Sex for him was actually just a physical release with no strings attached. He’d always steered well clear of becoming emotionally involved with the woman he slept with. John could see, however, that this was a different situation entirely. If truth be told, his emotions were already involved. The problem was which ones?

  He almost told her to forget it then; that he’d changed his mind. But it was too late. The roller coaster of destiny was already moving and he was solidly strapped in . There would be no escape till it came to rest at the end of the ride.